Torchwood Episode 212 Recap: “Fragments”

They have another go at Dino, with Jack playing Mr. Nice Guy, trying to coax it home with him where it can fly around as much as it likes. Ianto gets all jealous about why Jack’s willing to pick up rough trade like this instead of him, and offers to handle Torchwood’s reception, building maintenance, and general butlering. But Jack insists he’s not currently in the market for a Mr. Belvedere.

Jack proposes acting as a dino decoy, and Ianto counters he’ll be torn to shreds. But Jack’s not fazed …

Jack: Dinosaurs? Had ’em for breakfast … Had to — only source of protein after that asteroid crashed. Long story.

But Ianto has a better idea, proposing he be the decoy since he’s got a secret weapon — chocolate. I’m worried Ianto’s got dinosaurs mixed up with comic strip characters, who from Cathy to Ziggy always seem to be raging chocoholics, but he seems pretty confident in this plan. He proceeds to be all “here boy, here boy,” tantalizingly waving the chocolate bar around.

Ianto: It’s good for your serotonin levels … If you’ve got serotonin levels.

The pterodacytl grabs the chocolate bar, and then promptly grabs Jack as well. I thought Ianto was going to run after it screaming, “Hey, you got chocolate in my boyfriend.” And the pterodactly could yell back, “Well he got boy butter in my chocolate.”

The pterodactyl flies around with Jack in its claws, but Jack has the presence of mind to plunge the syringe into it, immediately stunning it and sending them both falling to the ground. Of course, Jack lands smack on top of Ianto, and they roll over to avoid being pancaked by falling dinosaur. This leaves them lying face-to-face and crotch-to-crotch on top of each other, breathing heavily.

Rather than enjoying the moment, Ianto jumps up and says he has to go. Clearly, there’s some kind of boner situation here, and either Ianto’s become aroused and is embarrassed by it, or Jack has and Ianto’s afraid of being impaled.

As Ianto walks away, Jack does his own version of the classic Mean Joe Green Coke commercial with a “Hey, kid!” move to get Ianto to look back at him. He tells him to report to work tomorrow, then compliments him on the suit. And as we all know, Ianto takes the compliment to heart, because he never changes out of that suit ever again.

Present day, Jack and Gwen pull Ianto out of the rubble. Then Jack pops Ianto’s dislocated shoulder back into place, with Ianto screaming in terrible pain, and if you ask me, they both seem to enjoy it a little too much. Then they wonder where Owen is, and Gwen recaps for people who haven’t been watching the past six episodes that if anything happens to him he can’t repair himself.

So of course we next see Owen trapped in rubble with a piece of glass hanging precariously above his head like a guillotine blade. I wonder if he gets decapitated if he’ll still be sentient and they’ll have to start carrying his head around in a bowling bag, which would be freakin’ cool.

Rather than pissing himself in fear, Owen decides to pass the time remembering the story about how he came to Torchwood …

Owen’s Back-story or “Katie and the Brain”

Four years ago. Owen is sitting in bed with a pretty blonde women, “Katie,” talking about seating for their wedding, and more than anything else in the episode, the revelation he was once engaged truly threw me for a loop.

Katie goes to make them tea, but when Owen comes into the kitchen, he sees her standing there in a sort of stupor. He asks about the tea, and she tells him to stop nagging, and I thought we were in for a typical cold-feet storyline, the twist being that Owen would be the one dumped by someone unable to commit, which would account for why in future years he’s such an ass about relationships.

But it quickly becomes clear there’s something seriously wrong with Katie, given she can’t remember the words “tea” and “milk.”