“True Blood” Episode 302: Nazi Werewolf Flashbacks!

Last week ended with Bill trapped inside a circle of snarling, ferocious wolves. How the heck was he going to get out of this, we all wondered.

Turns out to be a piece of cake. Two of the wolves, as canines are wont to do, become so fascinated with each other’s butts that they wind up circling and circling around each other instead of Bill. Then all Bill has to do is start scratching the belly of the third wolf, all “Who’s a good boy, huh? Who’s a good boy?” until the wolf’s leg starts twitching uncontrollably. This gives Bill the perfect opportunity to bite his ear off.

None of that actually happens on screen, of course. But it’s obvious to me that this was what went on moments before this week’s episode opens. Which is why the first thing we see is Bill, suddenly free of the wolves, spitting out a mouthful of bloody, hairy wolf ear. Bleh.

The wolves, now subdued or dead, have morphed back into hottie human form. This serves as a reminder of why shapeshifters make such ideal characters – they’re the only ones whose superpowers involve compulsory nakedness.

Plus, unlike the pains this show has taken to establish that vampires come in all shapes and sizes, there are apparently no flabby shifters allowed. I wonder if part of being able to shift into animals is the ability to shift abs into perfect six packs.

One lone remaining wolf is about to attack Bill, when someone blows a doggie whistle putting a stop to it. Then this regal guy in fox-hunting drag comes riding up, all, “Look at me. I’m your King. Now look at me. I’m up on a horse!”

It’s Russell Edgington, King of Mississippi. He’s played by the always awesome Denis O’Hare, a guy who’ll do great on this show given he clearly knows his way around a bunch of naked dudes. And I don’t say that because he plays for our team, but because he won a Tony for his role in Take Me Out, where he was the only actor who didn’t flash his peter live on stage.

Anyway, the lone wolf who was attacking Bill morphs into Lost Freighter Guy (Grant Bowler) who the King calls “Cooter.” Bill, adorably, snickers over the name with all the maturity of Beavis and Butthead, although it’s not clear if it’s because Cooter is well-known slang for vajayjay or because it was a character on Dukes of Hazzard.

Cooter clearly hates Bill and is miffed the King called him off the attack. Bill, however, is surprised to find that the werewolves are now working for a bunch of vampires, something that clearly flummoxes him, and with good reason. For one thing, it totally undermines the premise of about a hundred shlocky Underworld movies.