We start with a montage of last season’s cliffhanger-packed finale. But the question on every Betty fan’s mind isn’t whether Daniel and Alexis and Santos survived, but something much more important: Namely, did Betty blow its creative wad prematurely, or can it keep its mojo going? In other words, will it be Buffy season two “Angel Morphs into Angelus” amazing, or Desperate Housewives season two “Chained in the Basement” awful? I’m happy to report that Ugly is as beautiful as ever.

From the opening, it appears that over the summer Henry and Charlie hit an oil well in Tucson and became so filthy rich they could afford to make Betty their slave and take a Spanish language immersion course at the local Learning Annex. Either that, or we’re in some Telenovela spoof.

Betty enters wearing a bright purplish maid’s uniform, her hair permed and poofy like she just won Miss Texas, dusting a gloriously tacky, technicolored living room. She picks up a picture of Henry and Charlie, who are all Thurston and Lovey Howelled up on some yacht, and puts it to her bosom and heaves. Henry enters wearing this brown J.R. getup and subtitles, “Why are you crying? Did you break another vase?” She subtitles back, “Ay, no, Senor Grubstick! What’s breaking is my heart.”

He tells her he loves her, she tosses off her glasses and rips open his shirt, and they start sloppily sucking face. I know this is just supposed to be some fantasy sequence, but I’m finding it oddly hot, like maybe Betty and Henry discovered they’re both into kinky roleplay.

But then, just like last season, Charlie comes in and ruins everything. She’s vamped up like the she-devil she is – green lingerie, pregnant, and smoking a Cruella-de-Ville-style ciggie – which is appropriate because I hate her so very, very much. I’m glad Sylar ate her brains over on Heroes. Skank deserved it.

She calls Betty a whore, and boy, talk about “pot/kettle/black,” or as they say in Hollywood, “Denise/Charlie/bad parent.” Then she whips out a gun, and Betty stands in front of Henry to protect him. But then Henry says seeing Charlie go Amy Fisher over him has made him realize how much he loves her, and he pushes poor Betty aside. And then…

… Aunt Betty? Aunt Betty? …

And then we cut to Justin trying to wake up a sleeping Betty, who’s all, “I had the strangest dream. And you weren’t there. Nor you, nor you! I think I’ll miss you most of all, cowardly but studly fantasy Henry.”

Justin accuses her of falling asleep again in front of the TV, and she’s clearly still pining for Henry in a major way.

I might as well get this off my chest now and point out my issue with Henry. What’s wrong is he’s perfect. Is there any doubt in anyone’s mind that he and Betty are soulmates destined to be together forever? But they introduced him way too early in the series, so now they need to figure out all sorts of inventive ways to keep them apart until the last minutes of the last episode ever, way in the future when Betty is running Mode, Amanda and Marc are raising the child Daniel impregnated her with before disappearing at sea, Wilhelmina and Claire are shacking up in a trailer park, Justin is the editor of TeenAfterElton.com, and Henry returns after five years on an African game preserve to prevent Betty from marrying Freddie Prinze, Jr.

Until then, I’m afraid we’re in for several years of on again, off again, “We were on a break!” hijinks. Sigh.