Ugly Betty Episode 202 Recap: “Family Affair”

Marc reminds Amanda to focus on what’s important: her possible inheritance from Fey’s estate, which her lawyer will be updating her on later that day.

Casa Suarez. Hilda’s finally returned from Dead Fiancè Fantasy Camp upstairs and is unpacking boxes of Santos’ things, telling Justin about all the great stuff he left behind, including a set of Mets plates “you can’t find anywhere.” Except all over Queens.

Hilda tells Justin how proud she is of her “Mr. Bigshot Intern,” and gives him a lunch she’s packed for his first day at Mode. Justin looks mortified by this, but all I could think about was how much I wish my mother still packed my lunch, since it would be a) free, and b) much less healthy than anything I eat now, like when was the last time I had a Devil Dog?

Justin says he wants to eat at the famous Mode cafeteria, where “Naomi Campbell had a tuna melt meltdown. They now have it on the menu! ‘The Naomi Campbell Tuna Melt Meltdown.’” I’ve heard of that. Isn’t it right next to the “Janice Dickinson Spaghetti and Meatballistic Platter”?

Wili’s Office. Marc walks in and, surprised by this big hunk of man meat he might have mistaken for a nearby wall, shrieks like Ned Flanders and jumps on a chair. Me, I’d have jumped in the other direction right into Man Meat’s meaty biceps because seriously, “Yum.” He’s Wili’s new bodyguard, Dwayne, and the sight of him makes me feel the same way Veruca Salt did when she saw her first Oompa Loompa: “I want a Dwayne and I want one now!!!”

Dwayne is trained to attack anyone who threatens Wili, especially if their name is Claire Meade. Betty walks in and Marc immediately points and says, “Oh my God! It’s Claire Meade charging for us!” This leads Dwayne to grab Betty in a bear hug, lift her off the ground, and then frisk her. Some girls have all the luck.

After Wili calls off her hot attack dog and leaves, Betty begs Marc to help her get the book back to Daniel. Marc explains that it’s at Wili’s house, so even if he wanted to help her, which he doesn’t, he can’t.

Wili calls Marc in to stand by her and “nod thoughtfully” while she fires someone, leaving Betty free to steal a copy of Wili’s house key from his desk drawer.

Mid-crime-in-progress, Henry shows up to say hello to Betty. She guiltily hides the keys behind her back and gapes lustfully at Henry, who being Henry is of course wearing a sweater vest even though it’s July. I’m starting to wonder if the never-ending vest supply indicates he’s got some kind of grotesque nipple deformity that forces him to hide his pec region behind layers of wool.

He stammers on about how he just got back to Mode, Charlie’s still in Tucson getting ready for the baby, and he’s all excited about soon being a dad. Then he launches into this long speech about how he needs the job in New York since he couldn’t find a decent one back in Tucson but will only stay if Betty wants him to. It sounds like the proposal a would-be polygamist would make to prospective bride number two. And I don’t know if I’m buying the fact that there are no openings for accountants anywhere in all of Arizona yet accountants are so hard to come by in New York that Mode hasn’t found a replacement for Henry in three weeks.

Betty (to Henry): Why would it be weird? Because we got a little romantic? We were young and innocent then. Ah, youth! … We could just be friends. Buddies. Like, hey buddy, what’s up? What’s the dealio?

Betty (to Christina, out on the street after leaving Henry): I can’t be buddies with him! And what was I supposed to say? No you can’t make money for your baby. Down with babies!

A woman holding her baby overhears this and stares daggers Betty’s way.

Christina insists Betty should tell Henry the baby might not be his. Betty responds that the baby could have been fathered by anyone, given what a slut Charlie was. “It could be that guy’s,” she says, accosting an innocent sidewalk café patron with his girlfriend. “Did you sleep with Charlie? You might be having a baby!” Sheesh. Betty’s winning over fewer people on the streets of Manhattan than campaigning Republicans.

Marc’s Desk. He’s playing with hunky paper dolls on his computer, and clicks one into a skimpy bathing suit. “Now you need sunscreen,” he leers. Now in addition to wanting my very own Dwayne I want this computer game too. With Dwayne on it.