Ugly Betty Episode 202 Recap: “Family Affair”

Justin the fashion elf pops up.

Marc: Betty’s son!
Justin: Nephew.
Marc: Right, nephew. I’m sorry about your … mother?
Justin: Father.
Marc: Yes! Yes, we sign so many cards here. Ha, ha! So what are you doing at Mode? Are you and your little band of ruffians out picking pockets?

Justin explains he’s the new summer intern, but boring Aunt Betty only has him sharpening pencils. “I love her, but yawn.” So Marc — and you have to kind of love him for this — gives him Wilhelmina’s PDA to update her contacts. Justin looks at it in awe.

Mode Reception/Miracle Weight Loss Center. Amanda is eating rice cakes and sprouts when her lawyer comes up to her desk. She keeps asking, “What do I get? Am I rich?” and grabbing items out of his briefcase as if they’re hers.

I’m distracted in this scene because the lawyer is a dead ringer for Les Nessman from the classic ’70s sitcom, WKRP in Cincinnati, which did a number on my burgeoning sexuality by having an episode where Les became suicidal just because other people merely thought he might be gay, and thanks a lot for that uplifting message WKRP. I’ll send you my therapy bills.

Les tells Amanda that all of Fey’s assets were auctioned off for charity. But there is one item left, and he hands her this big box covered in pink shag. “What is it?” Amanda asks, bewildered and a little grossed out, as out pops one of those hairless dogs that are both cute and hideous at the same time. My friend’s ex-girlfriend had one, and I remember she had to apply sunscreen to his sensitive skin, so that when he was good and slicked up he looked like he’d be perfect casting for the aborted fetus tableau in the local Hell House at Halloween.

Amanda tells Les he’s not going to stick her with this dog of a dog, until Les explains there’s a $1,000 allowance for whomever takes care of “Halston.” She quickly agrees and grabs the dog with forced affection, demonstrating once again that there’s few things she won’t stroke for money.

I’m also glad that, like Law & Order, Ugly Betty is showing an interest in plotlines ripped from the headlines, as this is clearly a replay of the whole Leona Helmsley “who wants to make a dog a millionaire” bequest. I’m as pet-crazy a person as they come, and I have to tell you that with both Trouble and Halston, my sympathies are entirely with the dogs, who deserve every penny of their inheritances given the many years of coerced coddling endured in the rancid laps of their harridan owners.

Inside Wilhelmina’s Apartment, or as Christina Calls It “Lucifer’s Chamber.” Betty and Christina have broken in to look for the book, thinking they’re safe since Wili is out to lunch with Nora Ephron. Christina is having a fine time calling it “Beelzebub’s Lair,” and speculating if Wili has a “coat made of Dalmatian puppies,” when she spots a picture of Wili looking rather chummy with none other than Dick Cheney. I’d say Wili’s impending marriage to Bradford — a cadaverous, ear-hair-spouting, philandering foot fetishist — is definitely an upgrade in the boyfriend department.

So let me get this straight. Wili’s close friends include the man behind the current administration and the woman behind Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan romantic comedies. Take your pick which of those you find more frightening.

Just then, the front door opens and they hear Wili and a man’s voice. Christina thinks she’s there with Mr. Meade for a “little afternoon delight,” and Betty says, “That’s what that means? I didn’t understand that song until just now.” Oh Betty, you’re so naïve. Am I also going to have to explain “Sugar Walls,” “She Bop,” and “Get Into the Groove”? Okay, but I draw the line at “Come On Eileen.”

Christina and Betty do what countless TV and movie characters have done in just this situation — dive under the bed. They’d better hope Wili doesn’t keep any special equipment under there she might soon be needing.

Wili and her friend enter and get undressed, and we see a man’s foot that’s free of varicose veins, bunions, fungus, scales, eczema, and cloven hoofs, so we know it’s probably not Bradford. It’s Dwayne! And he’s taking his clothes off! Best. Episode. Ever.