Ugly Betty Episode 202 Recap: “Family Affair”

Fashion Police Training Camp. Justin says he got the seedless grapes for Shakira but is having trouble with the organic rice cakes. Those sound like relatively tame items, given the kinds of wacky stuff I’ve heard other celebrities can’t possibly do without, green M&Ms being the least bizarre.

Marc: Ah yes, the rice cake. The scourge of many a celebrity assistant. Need I mention the ’88 Madonna Speed-the-Plow tantrum?

I actually saw the ’88 Speed-the-Plow and remember the audience tittering at Madge saying, “I know bad. I’ve been bad,” an all-too-appropriate line given her painfully wooden acting. Now I realize it was all just her rice cake deficiency. But then how do you explain Shanghai Surprise? Or anything else she’s “acted” in.

Marc tells Justin he did a great job and gives him a pass to the Shakira shoot. Justin OMGs excitedly, and then says, “I can’t wait to tell my…” before he remembers Santos isn’t around anymore. Marc notices this and rather touchingly offers some kind words.

Marc: I know you’ve been through a lot with your Dad and everything. It’s OK to be happy. You did a good job today. Enjoy it.

I love how this show always manages to humanize Marc, particularly through his concern for Justin. It makes him so much more of an interesting character than your run-of-the-mill bitchy assistant.

Amanda comes by to tell Marc what the vet said about Halston.

Amanda: He needs ointments and patches and pills.
Marc: Oh my!
Amanda: Suddenly I’m a caregiver. Me! That is so not who I am.
Marc: It’s true. You are a bit of a monster on the inside.
Amanda: It’s almost like I’d be better off getting rid of him.

They both look at poor Halston, who looks directly out at us and whimpers. This show has pushed the envelope in a lot of ways, but I can’t imagine they’d actually go ahead and kill a dog. I mean they wouldn’t really, would they? Would they?!

Bradford’s Office of Ear Hair Grooming. Seething Daniel enters and demands to know why Bradford hasn’t told Alexis the truth about what a dick he was. And I must say I think Daniel is being a dick himself about this all. As Bradford understandably explains, he almost lost his child once, and seeing Alexis lying there in a coma made him realize he doesn’t want to lose her again.

I can only hope that any closed-minded parents watching this who might have an issue with their children will think twice before saying anything hateful or ostracizing them. Because we can’t all be so lucky to have comas and retrograde amnesia to provide second chances.

Betty’s Desk. Betty has this fantasy vision of her father standing there cooking and telling her to do whatever she needs to in order to get him home. What’s the water laced with in Queens anyway, that both Suarez sisters are prone to these rather vivid delusional spells? And where can I get some?

Cut to Henry asking Christina if Betty’s mad at him. Christina tells him he needs to hear “The Truth about Charlie.” Which is probably a lot less painful than seeing that lousy movie.

The Pound a.k.a. Doggie Stairway to Heaven. Amanda and Marc enter and talk to a woman behind the desk who looks like she’s counting the days until she can get a proper prison job and start overseeing real-life bitches instead of the furry ones. She eagerly grabs Halston away from Amanda and practically trips over herself in her zeal to get to the lethal injection syringe before coffeebreak.

Amanda asks to say goodbye and tells Halston she’s sure someone will adopt him. The doggie warden laughs, “I don’t know about that. That is one ugly dog.” Amanda takes great offense at this. It’s one thing to say he smells like ass, but to say anything in her possession is ugly, ass included, is just not tolerable. She suddenly has a change of heart.

Amanda: My mother is gone. And this was her dog. She once held him. Just like I’m holding him now … [To Halston] You know more about her than I ever will. And so what if you’re mangy and disgusting with a weird rash on your butt. Or maybe that is your butt … You’re the only connection I’ll ever have to my mother.

Hospital ICU. Seething Daniel brings Alexis a burger, and the most fun of this scene is watching Rebecca Romijn stare at it from different angles so she doesn’t have to actually ingest any food.

Daniel is just about to spill the beans about what a dick Bradford is when Alexis asks how they got in the car accident. Not wanting to admit he was loaded and she was rushing him to the hospital, Daniel says she swerved the car to avoid a deer. And realizing that makes him a liar too, he’s suddenly less keen to out dear old Dad.