Ugly Betty Episode 203 Recap: “Betty’s Wait Problem”

We open right where we left off, with Henry and Betty making goo-goo eyes at each other and leaning in slowly the way people do on TV whenever they’re getting ready to smooch. Has anyone ever actually kissed that way, you know, with faces moving toward each other in a rock steady trajectory aimed at achieving the perfectly aligned lip lock? Shouldn’t two heads coming together for passionate, drunken kisses be more like a car collision with drool?

Anyway, we don’t get the expected suckfest, as Betty is all turned off by a whiff of Henry’s stanky alchy breath and pulls away with a prim, “You’re drunk!” And that’s a bad thing because? Given how painfully slow this courtship has been, I can’t see any downside to Henry getting over a few inhibitions through alcohol, other than the chance he might puke in her mouth, and who of us hasn’t risked that in the name of love?

Henry apologizes for his drunken behavior, blaming the melon and apricot wine cooler (Bleh! Now I might puke), but then whining that it’s like “the whole world is telling us we can’t be together. We’re like melon and apricot.” He wonders why Betty didn’t tell him about how Charlie’s dentist gave her all those special oral treatments. Betty responds that she didn’t want to risk breaking her heart if he decides to stay with Charlie for the sake of the baby. She adds that until they know whose baby it is, they’ll just have to wait. Great. That should make for an exciting episode.

And speaking of waiting...

It’s DNA test result day! Amanda is at Daniel’s apartment staring at the letter from the lab that will indicate whether or not Bradford is her father. I wonder if it’s like college acceptances and the fact that it’s a thin envelope means she’s been dinged and will have to settle for her safety father.

Whatever diet’s she’s on that’s enabled her to lose the equivalent of a small child in a matter of days must have sparked superhuman levels of self-control. How else do you explain her getting this hugely anticipated, tremendously important letter in the mail and not tearing it open on the spot? In fact, she’s taken the time to trek over to Daniel’s apartment and tell him the whole lurid story and STILL hasn’t read it. I have less self-control with Publishers Clearing House mailings.

Daniel struggles to get his head around the fact he and Amanda may have unwittingly played European royal lineage in the bedroom…

Daniel: So how many times do you think we…?
Amanda: A lot! But just remember: if your dad’s DNA does match mine, we’re only half brother and sister. Which means if we did it like 20 times, it was only wrong 10.
Daniel: That actually made sense to me. You are so my sister.

Amanda opens the envelope and lets out a relieved, “Bradford’s not my father!” and then lunges for Daniel, and the two happily engage in a round of tonsil hockey. So much for self-control. I guess there’s nothing like finding out you’re not actually somebody’s sibling to make you want to have sex with them. But Amanda puts a stop to it, saying she has “unresolved issues” with Daniel, adding, “So just squeeze a boob because I have to go.” I hope he’ll reciprocate by letting her squeeze a testicle.

Cut to the Morning After with Hungover Henry. And It Ain’t Pretty. It Never Is.

Hilda makes a drink for a rather green-looking Henry with tomato juice, raw egg, and bacon fat. Put a shot or two of vodka in it and I’m so there. Hilda says it’s a little cure she learned in high school guaranteeing “hangover gone by 3^rd period.” Homeroom through 2nd period must have been fairly interesting.

Adding to the many, many reasons to love Hilda, we now learn she doesn’t eat at all like a girl, as she enthusiastically wolfs down a plate of fried eggs and bacon while Henry gets more and more nauseated. She asks Henry if “he’s dying to call that bitch,” and he says he can’t because he’s too angry. I’d say that’s just the time you should call. Nothing communicates hatred quite so clearly as enraged bellowing by phone.

He launches into this Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom speech about being as frustrated as a female orangutan when a non-dominant male tries to mount her, a grievance I’m guessing is not unique to orangutans. Or females.