Ugly Betty Episode 203 Recap: “Betty’s Wait Problem”

Cut to Betty at Mode Reception. Rico comes storming up and rants, “You must be happy. I just got fired because you went crying to your boss… all because some little Mode girl wasn’t happy with her sandwich.” Marc and Amanda watch this ugly scene unfold as happily as a pair of show queens at a revival of Gypsy.

Then Rico announces to the room, “Before I go, there’s no such thing as fat free mayo.” Oh no! I hope Lite really means Light. Then he gives his coup de grace, “There’s 125 calories of pure fat per tablespoon. And I put two in every sandwich,” leading everybody to spit out whatever they were chewing. Like they weren’t going to do that even before his big announcement.

After he leaves, Marc and Amanda cozy up to a shocked Betty, who envisions them crowning her with a tiara and showering her with roses as they declare, “Now you’re finally one of us!” Noooooooo!!!!!

Cut to the World’s Prettiest Hospital Room Where Everything Is Color Coordinated, Including the Patient’s Surgical Scars. A makeover montage! Featuring a bed-ridden Alexis getting all gussied up. She thanks Wili for the beauty treatment, who tells her that’s what “best friends” are for, before shooing away the makeup team with a “That’s enough. She’s a trannie not a drag queen.”

When Alexis says she doesn’t remember them ever being friends, Wili produces this bulky wedding album-looking book with a title page that says “Wilhelmina & Alexis BFF” that’s filled with photos of them together at things like fashion week, birthday celebrations and, awesomely, marching in a pride parade under a rainbow flag. You have to love a show that manages to work in a banner reading “Civil Rights Are Family Values.” But the real proof these are simply Marc’s personal photos with the two women’s heads photoshopped in comes with the next, gayest shot: square dancing. Alexis wonders if they’re actually a couple, but Wili assures her, “No, just political.”

As much as I thought these pictures were hysterical, I’m confused about why Wili needed to go to all this trouble. Weren’t she and Alexis friends for real when she nursed her through the surgery? Back when the show hadn’t made up its mind who the mystery woman in the bandages was supposed to be? Before she magically transformed into Rebecca Romijn even though the actress playing her before looked nothing like her?

Anyway, Wili acts like she’s all worried about Bradford, and basically makes Alexis think she’s dragging this huge secret from her when she lets slip that he’s been forced to postpone his wedding. This is certainly news to Alexis, especially when she hears the bride-to-be is none other than her new BFF. And you know what that means. Next pride parade, Alexis and new stepmom Wili can march with PFLAG.

Cut to Marc and Amanda at Mode Reception. Now Marc’s bright orangey plaids are seriously clashing with Amanda’s hot pink dress, and looking at the two of them, I’m starting to get the same kind of headache I would with those stupid Magic Eye posters where you basically had to try your hardest to give yourself a brain embolism just to see some dumb 3-D dinosaur.

Amanda: I’m actually kind of bummed that Mr. Meade’s not my father. I mean he is rich and bald.
Marc (with a gasp): Your Daddy Warbucks fantasy!
Amanda: I don’t know why that’s so strong.
Marc: Okay, can we forget about your father and focus on your mother and what being Fey Sommers’ daughter can get us? And by “us” I mean “you,” and by “you” I mean “me.” Think about it. The invites. The SWAG!

Marc suggests that Amanda’s “coming out” party as Fey’s daughter be at the Ball, the very same event where Fey would always show up in a red gown and utter the line, “Black and White Ball? I guess I didn’t get the memo.” It’s amazing how much I hate a character we’ve never even seen — and hate even more with each new revelation about her. I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible I was the one who cut her brakes.

Cubicle of Enraged Cuckholds. Henry is thinking about calling Charlie, a.k.a. the ’Ho of the Great Southwest, but decides he’s still too angry. Amanda and Marc storm in demanding they get their paychecks early so they can go shopping. You can do that? Sweet! I’m going right now to payroll and asking for early paychecks for the next 12 months. Then I’m calling in sick for the next 12 months.

They keep calling him “Grubstank,” but he’s just had it! He pushes them out of his office defending the good name Grubstick, a “venerated old Dutch name meaning ‘he who gives the best price for his bricks.’” And his macho bravado has a definite effect, as Marc and Amanda finally realize something we viewers have known all along about Henry…

Amanda: Did he just get really hot?
Marc (sucking on an inhaler): I’ve never been more attracted to anyone in my life!