Ugly Betty Recap 204: “Grin and Bear It”

Cut to Alexis’ first day back at Mode, and she’s shown up in a men’s shirt and vest looking like Trannie Hall. The shirt is open to her waist with her bra-less boobs exposed, and she’s overdone the makeup, so that her face looks like the giant Barbie cosmetic head my sister got when we were kids even though she had no clue how to accentuate Barbie’s cheekbones or bring out the green in her eyes and made a total mess of the mascara and I had to freakin’ do everything myself. Honestly, I don’t understand some girls; it’s just not that hard to blend and brush.

The reason for Alexis’ bizarre appearance, as well as her tripping down the hall, is that she’s having trouble remembering how to act like a woman, even though she seemed to have taken to it pretty easily last time around, when the bandages came off after her surgery and she immediately went to strutting the catwalk during fashion week with nary a stumble. Maybe the problem isn’t amnesia but plain, old brain damage? Because we all know it’s just not that hard to walk in heels!

Daniel assures her she’ll be fine at work, since Alex was always a fantastic editor, but Alexis is worried that forgetting two years is “like a lifetime in fashion.” I’d say she should be fine, since styles from two years ago have already gone out, come back, gone out again, and are now retro chic.

Cut to loud, annoying hip-hop music and various pin-up babes on a wall. We’re a beer funnel and Greek letter sweatshirt away from a complete realization of my worst college roommate fears. Next cubicle over, Henry is listening to headphones and doing the stiff white man’s shuffle even though he’s sitting. He awkwardly pronounces the music “phat” and passes the headphones back to … Hey! It’s Harold. As in “and Kumar Go to White Castle,” who decided to ditch being completely wasted on Grey’s Anatomy to being completely wasted over here.

With an air guitar flourish, he spies Betty and leeringly says to Henry, “Lady parts, twelve o’clock. I don’t know how you do it man. You got this piece here … you got a baby mama back home. Teach me, young Skywalker.” Thereby proving that even sci-fi geeks can be insufferable straight boy asses.

Betty approaches, and over the wall Harold shouts, “Save it! … Charlie hasn’t heard back about the paternity test.” Betty says she’s not there to talk about that. She’s wondering if Henry can stop by later to tutor Justin in math. And hoping afterwards he’ll give her some special one-on-one tutoring in certain horizontal equations.

Cut to Marc in the closet. But not the internalized homophobia kind. It’s the good kind, with shoes, belts, and hats. Marc is rummaging through the Mode fashion closet, busily looking through shelves upon shelves of women’s shoes. See, there’s a boy who knows something about heels.

And hey, it looks like the Halloween episode came a week early! Because Marc — in a hot pink shirt and black-checkered fedora — is clearly in costume as that gay brother with the hat fetish from High School Musical. Or Justin Timberlake.

He pulls the secret latch to open the love dungeon, and inside finds Amanda lounging on the sex sofa with Halston.

Marc: Mandy, you can’t just leave the reception desk empty. Oh my God! Are you making out with that dog again?

Halston is indeed frenching Mandy pretty enthusiastically, but before you get all judgmental, is it any worse than what Wili does with Bradford? Halston and Bradford both have money, both have a thing for sniffing women’s feet, and both get seriously horny around bitches in heat. At least the only unsightly hair on Halston is on his head.

Amanda explains that she and Halston needed a little “me time,” since searching for her father has been so exhausting. Marc asks if he “can spoon too” and, adorably, climbs in bed with them, saying he’s got a plan for finding Amanda’s dad. Fey always included a page in Mode of herself at parties (of course she did), so Amanda can just go through issues from the year she was born to see which men Fey was Electric Sliding against.

Marc: What year were you born?
Amanda: 1991.
Marc: You’re 16?
Amanda. 1992.
Marc: Other way.

See that? Math does matter. Stay in school, kids, or you’ll never have the skills it takes to get into bars underage.