Ugly Betty Recap 204: “Grin and Bear It”

Except it’s all set to the best TV theme song of all time, “Makin’ It,” which I’m sure you all remember from the short-lived disco era sitcom featuring the “I’m a Pepper” dude. They don’t write them like that anymore. Then again, they pretty much don’t have TV theme songs at all anymore, which is a crying shame.

Cut to SD6-sponsored class, where suspects are fiendishly tortured for information through exposure to bad short stories. After cutting down some poor hack’s efforts at prose and bemoaning how he blew all his Pulitzer winnings at the Indian casino, Professor Bristow calls “Crappy” to the podium. “Actually, it’s ‘Clappy,’” Betty says, and rather timidly and fearfully goes to the front of the class.

Betty (reading): When I saw my blood dripping off the bear’s teeth…

Confused, she stops and sees she’s reading the article Daniel had asked her to read. But then Professor Bristow urges she keep going, this being the first time in class he hasn’t been bored. So she proceeds: “Girl Gone Wild: How I Survived a Bear Attack by Betty Suarez.”

Casa Suarez. Henry is quizzing Justin with flashcards he made showing hemlines changing over time. Awww. I just love Henry. A straight boy who knows about hemlines. What a catch!

But Justin isn’t listening and says he doesn’t care about this stuff any more. Fashion sacrilege! Meanwhile, Papi, still confined to the kitchen, watches with great concern.

Back to the writing class from hell. It’s always amusing on TV when there’s some artist or singer who everyone on the show carries on about being so brilliant but the actual examples of their work depicted are clearly subpar. That’s certainly going on here with Betty’s essay. The entire bear article, from its title on to its syntax, sounds like a 5^th grader’s essay about this gnarly dream he once had. But Betty keeps reading along, as surprised as anyone to read, “As I write this pregnant with my first child, I realize I survived for a reason.”

She is met with thunderous applause and a standing ovation from the class. This, in my mind, is proof how much this essay sucks, because in a real class, the students are so bitterly competitive, they NEVER show support of someone else’s brilliant work. Which is why no one ever applauded my stories, of course.

Professor Bristow says this is just the kind of writing he wants to hear, bemoaning, “why can’t more of you be attacked by a bear.” Then he calls Betty over for a private conference, but it’s really just to gape impolitely at the ear the bear mangled. Like Jack Bristow’s never seen a mangled ear before. Or chopped one off himself.

Cut to a guilt-ridden Betty tossing and turning in bed. A high-pitched, child-like voice says, “You lying bitch.” It’s her beloved teddy bear, Paquito! Bizarro Justin must have come from the alternate universe with the Snuggle Bear’s evil twin in tow, because Poquito is one badass bear, asking if Betty wants to see what a real bear attack is like before launching himself at her throat. Other than Melanie Griffith singing, it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve seen on TV in a long time.

Cut to Wili, busily at work in the office, meaning lounging around on her chaise doing nothing. I so want a job like Wili’s where I can lie around all day on a couch in my office looking gorgeous. And order around a cute gay boy like Marc without incurring a lawsuit.

Wili (to Marc): Marcie?
Marc (to Wili): William?
Wili: Fix your makeup, Doll. We’re heading up to the executive suite. Every magazine in the empire is coming to kiss the ring of the new co-chair.

Cut to a series of pitches from different Meade editors about their magazines, all fairly recognizable types. There’s “Adventure Trail,” led by a bald, tattooed muscle guy who screams about it being “Extremely Extreme!” Then three heavy-set ladies from “Cucina” who present a soufflé. And finally guys from “Player,” who say their “straight male demo” want “Boobs! … A hottie on the cover … some articles on fast cars, video games, and guns.”