Ugly Betty Episode 205 Recap: “A League of Their Own”

Claire says she doesn’t think going to the south of France is a good idea. Yoga agrees, noting everybody now is saying “Positano is the new Monaco.” But Claire means she’s tired of running and is going to turn herself in. I guess Rikers is the new San Quentin.

Cut to buns! Hot buns! Hot man-candy buns! Filling up my entire TV screen! I haven’t seen this much male ass on television since the last Republican debate. But this time, the sight is inviting a very different but no less visceral response.

Christina’s head pops up next to this hot man-butt, which presumably belongs to some male model she’s doing a fitting for. For the show’s least interesting character she sure gets the best job. She’s got a ruler out and I’m not sure what she’s measuring or why, but whatever it is, I find myself really wanting to know the exact numbers.

She and Betty are talking about …. something, I guess. I wasn’t really listening, because at some point the camera pulls back and we see the statuesque hard body that’s behind that glorious behind.

I think Christina’s saying something about Betty needing to have some fun instead of brood over Henry. But when she arranges it so the guy’s crotch is right in Betty’s face, Betty fails to grab ahold of the, er, opportunity.

Christina says the solution to Betty’s Henry hang-up is Internet dating, but Betty’s worried she’ll meet some freak who will chop her into pieces. “Why don’t you chop me into pieces yourself and we can cut out the middleman,” she says. I totally understand her concern. I once warned a really good friend she should in no way consider going out with this one guy she met online because he could be some sort of psycho. Long story short, she didn’t listen to me and has been happily married to the guy for 10 years. And he’s a total psycho.

Betty: I don’t need Internet dating. I can get over Henry myself. I’m not that desperate.
Sexy Male Voice: Actually, you’re a little desperate.

Betty looks up to see who’s talking to her and spies … Holy personal trainer, Batman! It’s Henry! And he looks like Batman! And it’s really, truly Henry’s hot, shirtless, muscled upper body we’re seeing and not some freakish “Oprah-head-on-Ann-Margret-torso” trickery. I know because I paused, rewound, and paused again about 18 times to check him out more closely. How in the world did people in the olden days enjoy the sight of half-naked men on television without TiVO?

Commercials. The Charlie Brown Great Pumpkin special is on this week! Everyone loves this special. Because there’s nothing more heartwarming than a small child talking about his mysterious friend who shows up when no else is around offering candy.

Mode Closet. Betty, just like we all do, is spending a good portion of her workday hard at work surfing the Internet. Specifically, she’s immersed in putting together her online dating profile.

Betty: Five things I can’t live without? Well, donuts.

Good answer … if you’re hoping to hook up with Homer Simpson. And he’s already been rejected by eHarmony.

Christina advises Betty to “sex it up” a bit, mentioning that on her own profile she’s put “sex” five times. I think on most dating sites, that’s pretty much implied as a matter of mutual interest.

My advice? If gay dating sites are anything to go on, all Betty needs to do is put “swimmer’s build” and “versatile” and she’ll be fine.

They start taking pictures of Betty to post but they’re all pretty awful. But then they get some unsolicited but totally accurate advice…

Amanda: Head down. Shoot from above. Get those bangs to cover those caterpillars, and hide your chins by doing this [poses hands under her head like a book cover photo]. And for God’s sake, lose the glasses.

Shocked at the suggestion she lie, Betty insists on being honest about how she represents herself. This officially makes her the first person in the history of the Internet to try that approach.

Amanda then tries to fool Christina into thinking she’s returning a pair of Jimmy Choos she borrowed by replacing the shoes with a sandwich. How stupid does Amanda think Christina is anyway? Maybe she’s gotten Polish jokes mixed up with Scottish? Dumb blonde.