Open on Justin watching Fashion Buzz, as Alec Mapa describes preparations for the Meade-Slater wedding, “off and on again faster than Lindsay’s alcohol detection bracelet.” Hilda tells him to get ready for school.

Justin: But it’s the countdown to the “Bradelmina” wedding. It’s a national holiday!

I tried a similar argument to get my parents to let me stay home to watch Luke & Laura’s daytime nuptials. Actually, it was less an “argument” and more of a “performance” involving wheezing, sniffling, and one pretty convincing seizure.

And speaking of famous TV weddings, all the hype for this episode got me hoping it would live up to the best one ever, the royal wedding on Dynasty that ended with most of the cast being gunned down. Utter brilliance. I wish a few shows today would have the chutzpah to massacre off the entire cast, and yes Heroes, I’m snarking at you.

Papi enters Betty’s room to offer her breakfast, and there’s this bundle on the bed that had me pretty convinced Betty had put together a Ferris Bueller dummy like Steve Carell did on The Office last week. But the bundle speaks, and after Papi leaves, we see it’s Hilda, who’s being a good sister and covering for Betty’s all-night sexathon with Henry.

This leads to a pretty funny sequence with Hilda going back and forth between bedrooms by climbing in and out of windows. What makes it funny is that she doesn’t fall to her death.

It seems like she’s pretty much got Papi snowed. But then he decides to go back into Betty’s room to offer her Canadian bacon, which he remembers as being the only thing that cheered her up after the episode of Dancing with the Stars when Joey Lawrence got kicked off. Hey, that happened to me too! Only change “Canadian bacon” for “Canadian whiskey,” and “the episode where Joey Lawrence got kicked off” for “every episode.”

Papi goes back into her room just as Betty climbs in through the window. D’oh! Busted!

Cut to Marc on the verge of a prenuptial nervous breakdown. He’s on the phone, holding up a pair of shoes, and getting increasingly hysterical.

Marc: No! They were supposed to be dyed Aspen Summit White. These are clearly Picket Fence White, thus destroying the entire Wilhelmina Slater wedding palette! … Yeah, well you better fix it by tomorrow or I swear as God is my witness you’ll be selling shoelaces in the subway!!!!!

Cliff, overhearing this raving, says it’s making him kind of hot, which is a good thing because he’s in for a fair amount of this sort of thing with Marc as a boyfriend. He’s actually a lucky guy. It’s not often when someone’s worst qualities are the very ones that turn you on. And it gets even hotter …

Marc: Wilhelmina said if she finds any Baby’s Breath in any of the centerpieces she’s going to shave off my nipples.

The mention of nipples and shaving is enough to get Cliff even more excited (insert your own “how’s Cliff hanging” joke here), but then Marc gets to the important stuff, namely what Cliff plans on wearing. He’s horrified to learn it’s a brown, corduroy blazer, but Cliff distracts him by pointing out he seated Rosie O’Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck together. Also seated at the same table — Denise Richard and Charlie Sheen, T.R. Knight and Isaiah Washington, and Brian Juergens and Mika.