Ugly Betty Episode 208 Recap: "I See Me, I.C.U."

Betty starts cleaning out her desk, and then there’s a fantasy sequence where another Betty shows up, dressed just like in the pilot episode right down to the Guadalajara poncho. The two Bettys face each other from opposite sides of the screen, and it looks like the primitive days of TV technology, like on Bewitched when Elizabeth Montgomery also played Samantha’s cousin, the slutty, dark-haired one I was strangely attracted to (I think it had something to do with the boyish haircut and the motorcycle).

Anyway, Poncho Betty realizes she’s meeting her future self and has all sorts of questions about how things work out at Mode. If I ever manage to make my way into the future, the only thing I want to know is if the robots are more like Schwarzenegger Terminators or Haley Joel Osment A.I.s, a prospect I find much more terrifying.

Poncho Betty is dismayed to hear that Future Betty has been disgraced and fired, after doing things like lying and breaking into people’s apartments. Based on this information, it would be totally understandable for Poncho Betty to assume she’d wound up in politics. But Future Betty explains that it was working at Mode that changed her.

Cut to the I.C.U. waiting area, where Marc and Amanda are lounging around. Amanda makes a comment about how Bradford is still handsome “in a Sean Connery kind of way.” How much did she drink at that wedding and how out of focus are her beer goggles? Because ghoulish Bradford and Sir Connery … not even playing the same sport much less in the same league.

Wili makes a stunning entrance, wearing a gorgeous white fur over her wedding dress, truly a vision all in white. Give her a talking lion and a faun and she could go on to gross 500 million dollars and earn an endorsement from the League of Catholic Moviegoers.

There’s a commotion as Daniel tries to prevent her from seeing Bradford, saying that since the wedding never happened, she’s not considered family. Marc and Amanda watch this sordid scene unfold, munching away on popcorn. Those two are so selfish! If they had any decency at all they’d be getting it on their camera phones to post on YouTube for the rest of the world to enjoy.

Cut to Casa Suarez where Hilda and Justin are watching Alec Mapa talk about the mystery surrounding Bradford’s missing suit. Papi, in disgust, bogarts the remote and says he wants to “check the football scores,” whatever that means.

Justin: Football? Bradford Meade’s in the hospital! I’m sure the game’s been cancelled.

That line may not sound funny as written, but trust me, add in some hand gestures and attitude the way Mark Indelicato does, and it’s hilarious.

Betty comes in with her box of sad mementos and stolen office supplies, in which the heinous Wicked mug is prominently displayed. Papi offers to call up Daniel and explain that Betty did what she did to get him home from Mexico and save him from the constant, devastating threat of Montezuma’s Revenge. But Betty says it’s probably for the best, given how much Mode has changed her.

Hilda: Good for you, honey! Now you can join a gym, get smoking hot, and when you run into Daniel, he’ll be begging you to come back.

Or you could just put out for him right now. Then you won’t have to bother with the gym and you’ll still burn calories.

Betty heads up to her room to put her stuff away and goes to open this big wardrobe. Hey, maybe this really is a Narnia episode! Maybe she’ll go inside the wardrobe and have all sorts of magical adventures that years later she’ll realize were allegories indoctrinating her young mind into Christian theology even though she’s Jewish. Oh wait, that was me. And to be fair, those books didn’t really affect my religion. They just made me gay.

Anyway, she opens the wardrobe, and out pops a real-life white witch, Claire Meade. Betty is surprised, to say the least, and then a little bit annoyed when Yoga starts going through her things and criticizing her taste.