Ugly Betty Episode 208 Recap: "I See Me, I.C.U."

Betty’s annoyed she can’t get L’Amanda on the phone to come and get them out of the locked office. That’s because L’Amanda is busy guarding reception by listening to her iPod with her eyes closed.

Then Henry looks up and spies a grate in the ceiling. He decides they can get all Mission Impossible and escape through the heating ducts.

Big Fancy Sex Room. Wili, taking in all the S&M gear, can’t believe Bradford was into all this. She should have known that a foot fetish is a gateway kink.

She eyes Fey’s dominatrix outfit and says, “I can do that,” something I’m sure none of us doubt in the slightest. Then she grabs a whip and, after testing it out, starts using it on Marc in earnest. Which is really just taking their relationship to its most logical outcome.

They find the will and Wili is disheartened to read that it stipulates she only gets Bradford’s assets on the pronouncement of their marriage. This makes Marc a tad concerned about his future prospects.

Marc: I’m going to have to go back to dancing in a cage in my underwear!

God I hope so. Or at the very least, that we get a flashback episode of Marc’s past, which suddenly sounds very interesting. He’s relieved to hear that Wili has a plan. Especially since, he confesses, he only had “this one move” as a dancer, which he demonstrates by thrusting a nearby pole and letting out a high-pitched yelp. Taken along with the shiny suit he’s wearing, the move makes him look just like Prince. Only butcher.

Meanwhile, up in the vents, Henry is urging Betty to channel her inner Bruce Willis and toughen up.

Betty: Mexicans don’t have action heroes, Henry. We have a speedy little mouse.

You could do worse for a role model, especially when it comes to scurrying along a tightly enclosed crawlspace. Think Hong Kong Fooey could handle that? And don’t even get me started on Fat Albert.

Just then, Henry falls through a grate right into the reception area and, missing her by inches, doesn’t even have the advantage of L’Amanda’s ample bosom to break his fall.

She starts groping him, forcing poor Henry once again to buy Betty time by prostituting himself.

Henry: I couldn’t stay away.
L’Amanda: Where there’s chemistry, there’s chemistry.
Henry: You and I are like water and magnesium … Explosive.

After Betty sneaks past, he bows out of L’Amanda’s embrace by saying he doesn’t want to break her heart. It’s a good point, given how he’s already broken Charlie’s and is scheduled to break Betty’s right around income tax deadlines.

Back to the I.C.U. Violins are playing now. Seriously. Violins. And Bradford still isn’t entirely dead yet. I don’t understand why, when he’d pretty much kicked the bucket in satisfyingly dramatic fashion last week, they’re now wasting an entire episode on him wasting away in the hospital. I’m telling you, evidence of network numbers-crunching is all over this episode. They figure they paid Alan Dale for eight episodes, and by God they’re going to get eight episodes out of him. They even make everybody wear the same costumes for another week.

Daniel tries to tell Bradford how he feels about him but can’t bring himself to say the words. After he leaves the room, Bradford says, “I love you too son.” Oh, barf. When did they become the Waltons?