Ugly Betty Episode 209 Recap: “Giving Up the Ghost”

Alexis (gesturing at her chest): If I can get these things to save the magazine, maybe I can finally write them off.

I find it vaguely disturbing how Alexis is constantly treating her breasts like they’re their own entities, like that crazy patient on Grey’s Anatomy who insisted his leg wasn’t actually his and chainsawed it off. Frankly, given how much of an individual role they play in the action, Rebecca Romijn’s breasts should file for emancipation, get their own agent, and demand more screen time.

Amanda also wants to help. At first she’s assigned with keeping track of how many pages still need content on a big board, which basically makes her the Vanna White of math. But Amanda can’t do math, so she asks Daniel for a new job, one more like what her beloved mother used to do. I’m figuring this means she’s looking to truss up and defile various Mode employees in the secret love dungeon. But Daniel actually gives her something important to do, assigning her as editor of the always-hot “What’s Hot” section.

Amanda: Really? That is huge! Hey everybody. I just got a promotion! Who wants to go out and celebrate?

Next, blonde Lea Thompson gives a report on the status of the cover. The photographer who shot it is on a 16-hour plane ride, so there’s no way they can get the negatives in time. This means they’re pretty much screwed, since they sold the advertisers on this big cover featuring this superstar who’s about to launch a new movie, an album, and a perfume. Given those criteria, this character could only be based on Jessica Simpson or Usher. Actually, she’s named Cameron something. So I guess she’s a composite of Cameron Diaz and Cameron Manheim.

Betty wonders why they can’t just re-shoot the cover. But there’s a little problem. As you’d expect of any actress deemed “America’s sweetheart,” Cameron is a raging alcoholic now locked away in rehab. Daniel decides the only sensible thing to do is bust her out.

Cut to Safe Haven Hospital. Betty tells Daniel that breaking into rehab and bribing security guards is just the kind of questionable work-related responsibilities she’s hoping to have quit. Seems to me like the more Betty says she’s going to stop, the worse she gets. So who’s the real addict here? Maybe she should check herself in.

They go into Cameron’s room and … Hey! It’s Eliza Dushku a.k.a. Faith from Buffy! I love her! Actually, I love anything having to do with Buffy , even if it’s only by association, which explains my obsession with Freddie Prinze Jr.

Anyway, Eliza looks fantastic, although this isn’t great casting, since Faith was always such a badass but now she’s supposed to be some sort of ditzy starlet. Betty and Daniel find her sitting on the floor and meditating in front of a bunch of candles.

Cameron: Wait a minute. You’re not the cute bipolar boy I was going to make out with!

Meanwhile, at the printer, Alexis shows up wearing a red negligee and carrying a basket, like she’s acting out some dirty version of Little Red Riding Hood. She calls out for Arthur, but instead out comes … I was going to say a “dwarf” or “midget,” but I know there’s a more accurate term for this I’m supposed to use that just escapes me. Vertically challenged? Friend of the Lollipop Guild?

Anyway, it turns out titty connoisseur Arthur Kaplan quit months ago. This guy’s name is Harvey and he’s freaked out by how grotesquely tall Alexis is. Plus, he gets annoyed when she whines about how Mode is “short-handed.”

Harvey: Real nice. Make fun of a little person.

“Little person.” Bingo.