"United States of Tara" Recap 303: Being Gay is Like Christmas Every Day!

So, not a whole lotta gay goin' on in this week's episode of United States of Tara but there were a whole lotta freakouts from a whole lotta people. OK, mostly Charmaine. Like that's a surprise.

Kate's set to leave for Osaka to teach English, but she can't get to Japan to save her life. And rather than face a teary goodbye with the family, she writes them a note and sneaks away. She thanks the family for putting up with her outrageous nonsense over the last year, which leads me to make two points: first, the last year?! I think it's been a bit longer than that, Kate. And second, with the crap you've pulled, a thank you note isn't going to cut it. Flowers at least, and probably muffin baskets for everyone.

Kate also addresses her yet to be born cousin, apologizing that she "won't be there to see you tear open your mother's junk", which, gross, and then advising her to get Marshall to dump Lionel. Kate, sweetie, considering that your first relationship ended in a sexual harassment complaint, and you met your last boyfriend during your stint as an Internet hooker, you're hardly in a position to offer relationship advice.

Then Kate's at the airport and, of course, she's one of those travelers, the ones who think you're just burning to know every detail of their trip and don't take the hint you offer in the form of the newspaper you're reading, the open laptop you're working on, or when you kick them in the shins.

I usually surgically attach my iPod earbuds as soon as I enter the airport, but I always liked John Waters' approach to deter plane conversations, which is to pull out and thumb through his copy of Lesbian Nuns. In this case, Kate's victim gets a small measure of revenge by pointing out that her flight is probably going to be delayed by the massive earthquake that according to the airport TV just struck Osaka. Which is less than 500 miles from Tōhoku where the real earthquake struck last month, proving that Diablo Cody is a witch who can predict the future.

Kate eventually returns home and, rather than wait a month for the Osaka school to re-open, arranges instead to teach in Nōgata, or it might be Niigata, she pronounces it both ways. Back at the airport the next day, she runs into a trampy looking flight attendant in the ladies' room whose life path Kate seems to be emulating. Could there possibly be some Gwyneth Paltrow View from the Top-style hijnks in Kate's future? I know I'm crossing my fingers! The woman speaks rather disparagingly of Nōgata, or it might be Niigata, and Kate freaks and bails on the line to board her flight.

Meanwhile, Max needs his mother's signature to sell his business so, after assuring her on the phone that Tara won't be accompanying him, he goes over to her house with the contracts. His mom's name is Sandi, and although it's not spelled out in the credits, I'm spelling it "Sandi" because that's how my mom spells her name. Hi Mom! (Too bad, she'll never read this.)

Sandi tries to get Max to feed her the contracts through her mail slot, but he pushes past her to discover that she's a prime candidate for an episode of Hoarders. That being said her filthy rathole is one of the most orderly filthy ratholes I've seen.

Max returns later with Marshall, supposedly to get Max's childhood stuff, but really to try and shovel Sandi out from under some of her heaps of debris. Somewhere under there is a live cat, which is a relief because the cats on Hoarders are usually either skeletal or mummified. Turns out she named the cat "Nancy Grace" before she spotted realized it was male, and if I were a meaner person, I might ponder whether Nancy Grace's parents made the same mistake. But I can relate, because as a kid I named my cat "Jenny" before I knew he was a boy. We also had a girl dog named "George." We were a pretty gender-progressive family, apparently.