"Setup Squad" recap: Episode Five

All right. Week five of watching painfully awkward singles attempt to make painfully awkward connections with awkwardly large cameras pointed at their heads. Let’s jump right in!

The first client is Sarah, a 24-year-old straight female. According to Renee, Sarah is fond of the “Oops, I’m too lazy to go back to Jersey, so I might as well stay at someone’s house” approach to dating. “Sometimes I make myself a little ‘too accessible’ if you will,” quips Sarah in her intro tape. I am reminded of a Margaret Cho skit where she relays her signature pickup line: "I've got a good opening line for when I'm at bars. I'll smile at a guy, and if he smiles back and I'm feeling comfortable I'll go up to him and say ‘Stick it in‘!" Yeah, probably not the best way to find your soul mate. Plus, what if one day you wake up in Brooklyn, the guy is hideous and the F train isn‘t running — like this past weekend? It’s a long way back to Jersey, kid. Lauretta is assigned to help Sarah keep her panties on until after an actual date.

Next is David, a cute 23-year-old gay guy who is awkward and shy, so he comes up with twisted pickup lines like, “Hey, want to see my kids? They’re in the trunk.” Maybe I’m just a weirdo, but if a hot young lesbian approached me with that line, I’d laugh and be all about it. Lauretta seems to be on the same page as me. “I think that’s funny. Am I too weird?” Jonathan is assigned to help David craft “normal people” pickup lines. David, don’t change! Stay weird! Normal is for lame people. Wait, why are you on this show? Get your own YouTube channel. Sign me up!

Lauretta and Sarah go to a bar, where Lauretta can observe her client in her natural habitat. This includes drinking a beer, then taking shots and then playing a game of beer pong. Wait. That’s not very different from a normal night out with my lesbian friends. Is this a bad sign? Should people in their late 20s and early 30s still be playing beer pong? Is watching this show filling me with shame? Meanwhile, as I contemplate the direction my life is taking, Sarah starts to wobble around without any direction whatsoever. She bounces from guy to guy to guy like a rag doll. “It’s like social butterfly whore,” remarks Lauretta.

As Sarah is off killing brain cells, Meredith sets up a meeting with Renee. Meredith wants to fly to L.A. to visit Lover Randi. Renee gives Meredith her blessing but sends Meredith to help make the Helen/Lauretta matchmaking meeting happen. This is like being assigned the task of making Donald Trump stop being ridiculous — it’s an assignment no one hopes to get.

Jonathan and David have coffee, so Jonathan can experience David’s weirdness one on one. David cracks quirky jokes, and Jonathan tells David he needs to turn off the voice that says, “I’m awkward!” David says, “Well he has a deep voice.” “What does that voice sound like?” asks Jonathan, humoring him. “James Earl Jones,” says David. “I have a black man inside me at all times.” Jonathan is speechless, but he cannot stop grinning. Secretly he thinks David is hilarious, but this is a dating show, so at some point Jonathan is going to have to stop David from entertaining us and help him be boring. Sad face.