THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. What the hell is Ben's problem?
   I could speculate, but I'm too bored.
2. What the hell is Lindsay's problem?
   I could speculate, but I'm too disgusted.
3. What the hell is this show's problem?
   I could speculate, but I guess I'll just recap it instead.

Brian's loft — Justin and Brian are trying to get it on. "Trying" is the operative word: it seems Brian's still not fully functional. That's just so wrong.

Brian keeps having flashbacks to his surgery and the blood and the dismemberment. All I can do is sigh, because that's what I've been doing ever since this storyline became a cancer on my brain.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Hunter wants some new jeans, and to eat pizza and see a movie, so he and his two daddies plan a trip to the mall. Then Ben's little fan boy, Anthony, calls -- he wants to see Ben again. Hunter teases Ben about it, and of course Ben gets all defensive, which doesn't seem even a little bit suspicious.

A hotel room — The quarterback (Drew whoever) and the tight end (Emmett) are going at it. Em still seems to be enjoying it, so I'm fine, but I really would rather not see quite so much of Drew.

Emmett wants to know whether Drew's wife knows whether he's a ... a what? says Drew. He explains that he's not a fag, because he can throw a ball and he's not a sissy and he has no idea how to coordinate colors. He goes on and on about fags and how little he has in common with them.

Drew: "Name one fag every kid wants to grow up to be."
Emmett: "Harvey Fierstein?"

The funny part is that Drew chuckles like he actually knows who that is. But he explains that he only likes to fuck guys; he doesn't want to kiss them or love them or even know them, so it's all just fun and games and Emmett's lucky he gets to play. He tells Em not to tell anyone; Em's reply is, "Who'd believe me if I told 'em?"

Extreme nausea, phase one: The gallery — Sam is flirting with an interviewer. Lindsay is jealous but pretends she's not. Sam doesn't like being ignored because it almost never happens to him. Oh? Funny: I think I could probably ignore you for the rest of my life without even trying.

Kinnetik — Brian's doing his thing, with two phones going at once, stroking everyone's ego in that way that only he can. Ted shuffles in; he's impressed and is starting to want to be just like Brian when he grows up.

Brian likes Ted's new self-confidence. I do too: that and his sobriety. Brian's assistant tells the boys that they need to find an athlete for the Brown Athletics campaign. I have absolutely no idea where that might be leading.

Red Cape Comics — Michael's whining about Ben's lack of interest in sex and Justin's whining about Brian's lack of... umm, ability to do anything about his interest. Michael suggests they go to Chinatown to get some magic herbs. Pittsburgh has a Chinatown? Hmm. I didn't know that, and I kinda doubt it's very impressive, but I don't care, because of course we'll get to see a glimpse of Toronto's Chinatown instead, which is really pretty great. And huge.

I pause the tape for a moment and Michael looks like he's doing a Dizzy Gillespie impression. That's the key: pause the tape more often! It might make this show more entertaining.

Campus — Ben babbles about literature or something, but only so he can get Anthony to continue to think he's sexy and amazing and not boring. Anthony talks about writing, which is hard for him: "Every sentence I write, or try to, is agony." That's what I was thinking about every word you speak, Anthony. Also, you kinda look like John Boy, which is not a compliment.

He invites Ben to a lecture. Ben's supposed to go buy jeans and do other stuff with his partner and his son, but he says so like he's talking about going to the dentist.

Extreme nausea, phase two: Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay's on the bed and Melanie's on the floor. Geez, you're gonna make a pregnant woman do all that work? At least she has pillows for her poor knees.

Lindsay stops Mel because it's not quite working; she asks if they can use their magic wand because she's just "in the mood." You know what? That's completely fine. What's not fine is for this show to suggest that if you enjoy dildos and vibrators, you secretly have a passion for penises: I won't even dignify that with a response. It's uninformed and naive and knee-jerk and false. Oops, I guess I just responded.

Okay, so while I'm at it, why the hell would Lindsay be shy about asking for that anyway? We all remember that scene from a couple of seasons ago, in which Linds and Mel were fucking on the couch, buzzing vibe at the ready. Don't try to portray these women as fierce and strong and enlightened, and then drag them back into a cave by their hair. I don't even know who these characters are anymore, and they don't either. Worst of all, none of us are even very interested.

The Liberty Diner — Brian's picking up a take-out order. Deb walks by without acknowledging him, so he follows her out. They finally have the conversation about what Brian said about Vic:

Deb: "It's the way you said it... just tossing it off like it didn't mean a thing. Like his whole fucking life didn't mean a thing."
Brian: "I see your point."
Deb: "Yeah? So why didn't you see it then?"
Brian: "Maybe because I didn't know that I had cancer then."

Now this, this, is what this show is about, or what it used to be about. Deb gets all emotional and screams at Brian to take care of himself, in that wonderful Deb way. Brian says "yes, mother," so Deb wonders whether his actual mother knows. It all ends with Deb calling him a son of a bitch and giving him a big hug, which he gratefully accepts. It's just quiet for a moment as they hug on the sidewalk, against the cold night, and it's enough.

Extreme nausea, phase three: Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay's making a grocery list and being fake and awkward. Mel suggests that she put batteries on the list for the magic wand, because to her it seemed like a good time, and she's not embarrassed, and she doesn't think it has anything to do with men or penises, because it doesn't. But Lindsay's distracted and feeling guilty, and babbling about not going to Sam's opening so she can dedicate her time to very very pregnant Mel, and that kid, what's-his-name and what's-his-age, because she's been neglecting them. What about neglecting yourself? What about that earth-mothery, solid, crazy-in-love-with-Mel person you used to be? I'm not talking about the lesbian you used to be, because being attracted to Sam, or using a dildo, or buying bananas, does not actually make you less of a lesbian, but it does seem to be completely unlike the character we thought we were getting to know in those little bitty glimpses this show gives us. Let me make it simple: where the fuck is your brain?

Mel is suspicious. So there's still at least one brain between them, I guess.

The Liberty Diner — Ted and Emmett are looking at pictures of hunky jocks. Emmett lends Ted his new-found sports knowledge: he spits out a bunch of stats about Drew the quarterback. Ted is amazed, of course, but for some reason he doesn't make the obvious connection. I guess crystal meth has lasting side effects. Hey, maybe that's what happened to Lindsay's brain.

Chinatown — Michael and Justin overcome communication barriers to get some sort of tea for Brian so he can be more like his old horny self. Okay, it's sort of funny, especially the subtitles that tell us that the Chinese man and woman understand exactly who their customers are:

Chinese herbalist: "Which one you think is the top?
Chinese herbalist no. 2: "Both look like major bottoms to me."

The baths — Brian is watching all the hot guys and trying to coax himself into a more uplifted state. One of the hot guys notices him and tries to help, but Brian gets up and struts off because it's just not happening. Geez, there were some pretty beautiful bodies in there: I almost got an erection, and I'm a lesbian, so Brian must really be struggling.

A hotel room — Speaking of beautiful bodies, there's Drew's ass again, but it actually isn't so great-looking to me. But Emmett's cute! He tells Drew that he has a friend who's looking for an underwear model, so Drew puts on a little fashion show. It's pretty cute, especially the pansy-ish way that Emmett's pretending to snap pictures.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Ben's decided he'd rather go to the lecture with Anthony than go to the mall with Michael and Hunter. Go right ahead, Ben, but don't come home: we're tired of your shit. Go hang out with Lindsay and pretend to talk about art and literature when you're really only thinking about sex.

Extreme nausea, phase four: The gallery — Lindsay shows up late and apologizes to her boss. He doesn't mind: the show was a big success. Lindsay pretends to do some work, but we know why she's there, and so does Sam. He fucks her against one of his paintings.

I've never really wanted to be a fictional character before, but right now I'd like to be the janitor on a ladder in another part of the gallery, who accidentally causes a short in the wiring, which makes a light bulb explode and shoot sparks, which makes an open can of paint catch fire, which spreads to Sam's boots and then his pants and everything else, and sends him away from Lindsay and out into the street in a flaming ball of fire, where he is immediately mowed down by a dyke driving a UPS truck.

Actually, I guess I'd rather be the dyke driving the truck.

Instead, I'm watching this hideous, poorly choreographed, desperate display of pseudo-lust, and hoping I'll someday be able to forget it, even if it means I have to lose a dozen childhood memories in order to destroy that part of my brain. It'd be worth it.

Anthony's apartment — John Boy is still stroking Ben's ego, and also wants to stroke something else. He finally reveals that he wants Ben to "give him the gift" -- that's right, he wants to be "converted"; he's a "bug chaser" who wants to be positive. I have to use all of those quotation marks because I can't believe people actually buy into that shit. It's sad. Ben picks up his last shred of dignity and leaves.

Brian's loft — Justin cooks up the performance-enhancing tea and makes Brian drink it down. Justin expects it to work right away, but of course it doesn't, and that's okay because after the gallery scene, I'm not quite ready to see more fucking.

Extreme nausea, phase five: Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay, who has just showered (thank god), crawls into bed. Mel sort of stirs a little. Lindsay looks like she feels guilty and scared. Good.

A church — Debbie is lighting some candles for Vic and talking to God. She also says a prayer for Brian, and reveals the worst-kept secret of the show: that Brian's biggest organ is actually his heart. Awww.

Because Pittsburgh has more coincidences per capita than any other city, Deb runs into Brian's mom, Joan, on the way out of the church. She not-so-subtly hints that it might be time for Joan to pay Brian a visit. While you're at it, could you swing by Melanie and Lindsay's house and perform an exorcism?

Deb's house — Emmett is doing a bit of decorating while Ted congratulates himself for managing to get Drew Boyd for the Brown Athletics campaign. Ted, Ted, Ted: still clueless after all those drugs.

The library — Ben tells Anthony that he really can't want to be positive. But it's too late: Anthony went to a "conversion party" and had sex with a dozen or so guys so he can finally get the "gift." Idiot.

Kinnetik — Brian's mom is nice for about two minutes, and then launches into a sermon. She tells Brian that God gave him cancer -- and spared him -- so he'd see the error of his ways. Brian keeps his temper in check as long as he can, and then lets loose as he throws his mom out:

Brian: "You think God gave me cancer to punish me?"
Joan: "It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can."
Brian: "I can?"
Joan: "Well, it won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. Be strong. Harden yourself."
Brian: "I wanna be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Oh, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom, so that I can use the one ball I have left."
Joan: "Shame! Shame on you!"
Brian: "If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell, it's better than spending one good day in heaven with you."

Now that's the kind of passion I want to see on this show. And speaking of which, Brian notices that more than his ire is up: he looks heavenward and thanks the Lord for finally making him hard.

A hotel room — Emmett tells Drew about a dream he's had. It's kind of gross, so I'm not going to go into the details, but the upshot (so to speak) is that he's worried that once Drew is all famous, he's not going to give Em a second glance. To make it clear that nobody could ever forget Emmett, Drew kisses him, and it's sweet.

Emmett: "What'd you do that for?"
Drew: "Because I wanted to."

Babylon — Brian shows Justin (and everyone else in the vicinity) the good news. They make their way to the back room, and everything's right with the world again.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Michael's reading something. Oh, it's another of Ben's masterpieces, but this time Michael actually thinks it's brilliant. It was about a bug chaser. Ack.

Michael turns on the stereo: Hunter bought them a CD. It's REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore," which cracks me up. They dance, and even though I'm so very bored with Professor Ben, I'm glad he knows that Michael's opinion is worth lots more than any publisher's ever will be. Yeah, I'm being sappy, but that's because I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder after that gallery scene and I need some comfort.

A postscript — I got the latest issue of The Advocate in the mail today. In it, Thea Gill says she wishes she could ask Lindsay what the hell's going on with her, and wants to make her go back in time to when she and Mel first fell in love. I guess I'm not the only nauseated one.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Emmett goes to a football game; Hunter has a date; Melanie kicks Lindsay to the curb (I hope).

More QAF recaps available here.