Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Four (original air date 9 May 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Wow, that Pink Posse stuff is really fascinating, huh?
   Yes. If you're stupid.
2. Isn't Melanie a great lawyer?
   No. But who cares?
3. What did Deb's T-shirt say this week?
   "I Have Issues."
4. Was there anything good about this episode?
   Flakey Blake wasn't in it! And Melanie and Lindsay were, for more than three seconds.

Brian's new office space — The bathhouse now looks posh and business-like, but of course it still has that seedy atmosphere somehow: this place really is perfect for Brian. And there he is, reminiscing with Justin about "no towels night." Good times. They walk by a painter who's putting the final coat on the walls; Brian says "nice work." He's in his element, strutting around, surveying his domain. Swaggery Brian rocks.

They go to Brian's office, which used to be the steam room. Brian's assistant says something about something, and Brian says something back about something, but the lines are only there to make you think the Brian knows his stuff, but you already knew that, didn't you? Oh, and there's something about a check that needs to get somewhere on time. Brian's not too worried: he wants Justin to help him christen his new office, but Justin has a Pink Posse strategy meeting. Strategy? You mean you actually plan the idiotic things you do? I thought maybe you were just acting instinctively, but now that I know it's all intentional, I have even less respect for you and the so-called writers who came up with this storyline.

The Liberty Diner — Ben and Michael are filling out forms so they can be Hunter's foster parents.

Michael: "In a brief paragraph, explain why you want to be foster parents. Sounds like an assignment for you, professor."
Ben: "How 'bout we want to give a child the love and support he needs, to help him fulfill his dreams and achieve his goals."
Hunter: "I happen to be eating. Don't make me puke."

Hunter, you're an annoying little twerp, but you just said exactly what I was thinking.

Michael notices that the form says a social worker may drop by unannounced at any moment. Ben says they have nothing to hide; Hunter makes a joke, or what he thinks is a joke, about a double-headed dildo. That's not funny -- if you were in Texas, you could get arrested! Ask Joanne Webb to tell you all about it.

Michael tells Hunter he'll have to start behaving himself. Mikey, that's like telling Brian to start... well, behaving himself.

Emmett shows up with a guy he met the night before. They had sex in the cemetery. Yes, you read that right: apparently Em is trying to find creative ways to cope with the fact that he's still living with Melanie and Lindsay and can't bring his dates home. Dates? No, guys whose names he can't remember: this one is Jordan, but Em calls him Gordon. Hee.

I dunno: sex in a cemetery isn't that weird. It's not much different from a park, really. I had sex in a park once, although I'm not sure you can call it a "public" park if it's in a nearly deserted part of town. I remember thinking that the ground was very hard, and that I needed either a pillow or another whiskey sour.

Deb gives Michael and Ben and Hunter their laundry back. Apparently she's been helping the happy family a lot: laundry, tile grouting, dinner... poor lonely Deb. She notices that Emmett's looking a little shabby as he peruses his menu:

Deb: "Say, Em, honey? Wanna take those off? I can wash those grass stains out in a jif."

Emmett and his green knees just stare at her.

A gym — Cody is teaching Justin to box. Cody, your boxing is even worse than your acting. Your shoulders are practically above your ears -- oh, and your head is in your ass.

The rest of the Pink Posse, who don't have names because they're mere plot devices, protest the pusillanimous pugnacity. Cody and Justin say they all have to stand up for themselves, which is certainly not a phrase we've heard in every fucking episode so far this season, but the other members are unconvinced and leave. Cody calls them "fuckin' pussies." C'mere, Cody: let me teach you how to box.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel and Linds have dinner guests. One of them asks how old Gus is. Lindsay says, "Oh, about three." Linds, look, I know the kid has probably been played by four different actors by now, and we never see him, but could you at least pretend to know how old he is?

The other dinner guest -- they're both women, and, shockingly enough, they're a couple -- says that's how old their son was when the courts gave him back to her ex-husband. She starts to cry into her wine glass and says she "hates women who cry." What? Who are you? Do you and your girlfriend have names? Or are you just kind of guessing at your own backstory, like Lindsay has to when people ask how old Gus is?

Melanie goes into lawyer mode, such as it is:

Melanie:"There have been a lot of changes in the law since that decision."
Lindsay: "Yeah, not to mention the world."
Melanie:"It also doesn't hurt that the judge who's hearing your appeal has a gay-friendly track record."
Lindsay: "And that you have a brilliant lawyer."

Oh? Who? Oh, you mean Melanie? My god, these poor women won't see their kid until he's "about thirty."

Lindsay serves the dinner: it's lamb. Cover your eyes, Gus: your mommy killed Little Bo Peep's sheep! And she doesn't know how old you are!

Ben and Michael's house — Michael is trying to make the place nice in case the social worker shows up. He's having a little trouble:

Ben: "I thought the gay gene provided us all with an innate ability to redecorate, accessorize, and arrange flowers."
Michael: "I think mine's recessive."

Cute. These two are pretty great, except for how weird they sometimes look together: Michael's the size of about 2/3rds of a person, and Ben is the size of about two Michaels. Ben comforts little neurotic Michael with a kiss. Hunter picks just the right moment to saunter in in his underwear. He warns them that they don't want the social worker to show up and see "two homos kissing." No, let's see: if Michael is 2/3rds of a person, and Ben is (2/3 x 2), which is 4/3rds, then -- oh, yep, they really do add up to two homos kissing!

Michael tells Hunter to put some clothes on and stop drinking juice from the carton and smushing the freshly fluffed pillows. There's a knock at the door: no, it's not the social worker. That would be predictable, and this show is never predictable.

Instead, it's Deb: she's brought dinner. Ben says he's already made dinner: "soy loaf, mashed turnips, and carrot coulis." He's a lesbian trapped in the body of a beefy gay man! Either that, or he and Lindsay accidentally switched grocery lists when they were planning the menus for the week. Deb makes a face and hands him a dish to warm up.

Brian's bed — Brian is on his back. The camera pans down to Justin's bobbing head. They kiss; then Brian rolls Justin over, but Justin rolls him right back and says "tonight it's your turn." Stop that! Brian is the top and we all know it. That's what Brian says too -- well, he chuckles and says "That's what you think."

And then, because this show is jumping the shark this season (as a wise reader of mine recently noted), Justin gets out of bed and challenges Brian to a little fist fight. They exchange punches and wrestle on the floor, but try as he might, Brian still can't beat any sense into Justin. It would be the stupidest thing I've ever seen on TV, if I hadn't suffered through Survivor All-Stars.

Justin says Brian is the biggest heterophobe the world has ever seen, and that he was right when he said there are two kinds of straight people: the ones who hate you to your face and the ones who hate you behind your back. Fine, but what will you do about the lesbian recappers who hate your hair and your pathetic Pink Posse?

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Mel is working late. Lindsay shuffles into the room. Melanie starts to make apologies about working too much, but Lindsay is not complaining: she thinks Mel is heroic and that Michael and Justin should create a superwoman character based on her. Mel suggests the name "Dyno-Dyke." Yeah!

Melanie moves in for a kiss and Lindsay yawns in her face. I can think of a lot of things I'd like to do with Melanie's face, but yawning in it is not one of them. Mel tells Linds to go back to bed.

On her way out, Lindsay pauses to give Melanie and the camera a last look at her perky breasts, and to ask a silly question:

Lindsay: "You really think you can overturn the verdict? Get Jeanette's son back?"
Melanie: "Our research is thorough, our arguments sound. If not, they're going to have one angry pregnant lesbian to deal with."
Lindsay: "Go, Dyno-Dyke!"

Michael's comic book shop — Emmett is lamenting his latest one night stand: he still can't find a good place to get laid. Michael suggests that he get a place of his own, but Emmett says there are advantages to living with lesbians: for one thing, there's plenty of space in the medicine cabinet for him to store his cosmetics. Em, you know I love you, but that was not really worthy of your divine wit. And Michael, why are you letting the sun hit those comic books? It's as bad for them as it is for Emmett's porcelain complexion.

Vic shows up. Michael notices he has an "inner glow"; Vic says it's because he's now able to be alone with the man he loves. Michael completely understands that longing now, of course, what with Deb over at his place all the time, offering dinner and looking for entertainment. Michael, just send her to my place: I'm hungry, and I'll find a way to entertain her.

Michael decides he'll just have to explain to Deb that there have to be boundaries. Vic says he'll need more than boundaries: "you're gonna need a border patrol."

A bookstore — Cody has an armload of books. He must be using them to work out when there aren't any weights handy: it's not like he'd actually be interested in reading them. Oh, but apparently he's read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, and tells Justin to read it again because it has such great things to say about going against the status quo. Cody, are you really comparing yourself to Huck Finn based on some vague notion of independent thought? That would be like me saying I have a lot in common with George W. Bush because we both have earlobes.

Justin says Brian thinks that what the Pink Posse is doing is crazy. Cody yells at Justin for talking to Brian about it in the first place, and then says, "You wanna see crazy?"

A church — Cody and Justin are listening to a tepidly homophobic sermon. C'mon, if you're gonna bring up this tired old crap, at least throw in a little fire and brimstone: this preacher is just boring. Also, is this supposed to explain why Cody is such an asshole? Jesus Christ.

After the sermon, Cody argues with the preacher. He makes an argument that nobody anywhere has ever heard before because it's so incredibly, amazingly original: he suggests that if the preacher is going to take Leviticus 18:22 literally, then he also has to follow all of those other rules, like the ones about eating shellfish and selling your daughter into slavery. The stupid preacher acts as if he's never heard that argument before, and so maybe this does explain why Cody is such an asshole: not because there are so many homophobes in the world and they've taught him how to hate, but because there are so many idiots in the world and they've taught him how to stay a few million brain cells behind the truly independent thinkers like Huck Finn.

Woody's — Brian's on the phone again, trying to run his fledgling business. He and Michael are shooting stick, but Michael can't concentrate: he's too busy thinking about the social worker.

Brian: "You have nothing to worry about. You and the professor are going to be the world's greatest foster parents."
Michael: "Thanks, Brian."
Brian: "Besides, who else would want the little fucker?"

Emmett shows up with his latest fling, Kent -- oops, he means Trent. He asks Brian whether he can borrow his loft for a little while. Brian just stares at him. Emmett gives up; he finds Kent/Trent and asks him how he feels about "Wilderness Adventure." I don't really know what that is, but I think it means Emmett's about to get grass stains on his knees again.

Brian's cell phone rings. Apparently that check -- you know, the one that was mentioned at the beginning of the episode when it seemed like nobody was really saying anything of consequence -- didn't make it to its destination before the deadline. During the phone call, Brian says something about "Wertshafter" -- yes, that's right, the guy that Ted used to work for.

A meeting, presumably Narcotics Anonymous — Ted is sharing his story. Brian interrupts.

Ted: "Brian, can't you see I'm sharing?"
Brian [to the NA members]: "It's nothing you haven't heard before: did drugs, fucked around, hit bottom, regrets it deeply."

Hee! Brian takes Ted to his office so he can break into Wertshafter's network and transfer the money properly. Ted doesn't want to help: he's a singing waiter now, dammit!

Brian: "You may be a pathetic drug addict who's lost everything -- your dignity, your livelihood, your lover, your good name, the respect and trust of everyone you know -- "
Ted: "No one gives a pep talk like you, Bri."
Brian: "-- but there's one thing you haven't lost: you're still an accountant. That's who you are. Not even the lowest form of degradation could take that away from you. Now: let's live in the solution, not the problem."

Mel's law office — Melanie is rambling about being late because of an appointment with her obstetrician, and about how great her final argument is. Her boss or partner, Larry, finally manages to get a word in edgewise and tells her the judge has been replaced:

Melanie: "With whom?"
Larry: "Judge Randall Walker."
Melanie: "Isn't he the one who upheld the firing of that gay elementary teacher?"
Larry: "That's our boy."

Hey, Mel: thank you, sincerely, for saying "with whom" instead of "with who." Now stop playing lawyer and come with me -- with whom? with me! -- to the law library so we can use the pages of Bowers v. Hardwick as dental dams. No, you're right, that wouldn't be safe: we might get some nasty paper cuts.

Ben and Michael's house — Deb is there again. They're all suffering through Some Like It Hot. Deb suggests All About Eve because clueless Hunter doesn't know who Bette Davis is, but Michael decides it's time to draw the line: "Homopiece Theatre is over for this evening." Michael tells Deb she needs to stop coming over so much. Deb, of course, doesn't like that idea. They start to fight -- Ben gets involved too -- and there's one good line in the whole thing:

Deb: "Don't you open a mouth to me, young man. And you are not so young -- you're old enough to show me a little respect."

Everybody starts screaming, and Hunter's wandering around in his underwear again, and of course the social worker chooses that moment to drop in. Hunter answers the door in his underwear and says "Oh shit." It's sorta funny, but we've seen it coming for about five hundred miles.

Brian's office — Ted has agreed to help Brian; he's pretending to be a hacker and an accountant. First of all, the so-called security measures and technology that are on display in this scene make the movie Tron look advanced -- there aren't many systems left in the world that will let you try nine passwords before locking you out, and that don't mask the password in the first place -- and second, why the hell wouldn't Brian have Wertshafter's cell phone number? And I think Brian probably knows about things like messenger services and 24-hour banking by phone and online -- oh, stupid me: then Ted wouldn't have anything to do.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Emmett has brought a guy home: he tells him to "think hospital zone, with lesbians." But the guy has a hard time being quiet -- in fact, he likes to howl like a dog during sex. This is kind of a funny scene, and we get a brief glimpse of Melanie and Lindsay in bed -- oh, and my cat woke up when she heard the howling noise.

Brian's office — Brian and Ted are sharing a cigarette and talking about how great Ted is. Brian offers Ted a job, but Ted is a Flake like Blake and says he's just not ready and can't accept.

Melanie and Lindsay's house — Lindsay is pointedly polite about the howling from the night before. She reminds Emmett that they had an agreement. Emmett says he'll never do it again; Lindsay says, "I hope you'll do it again. Just not here." Aww. But Emmett's never lived alone before, so he's a little uncertain. Hey, maybe Emmett and Deb should get an apartment together: if they did, I'd be there all the time to bask in the glow of all that diva-ness.

Mel's office — The lesbians who lost their kid -- Jeanette and Anne, I think, but we know they're not really going to be characters, so who cares what their names are? -- still believe in Melanie despite the bad news about the judge. Larry interrupts; he calls Mel away and tries to tell her that Judge Walker might respond better to a straight white male attorney than he will to a hot pregnant lesbian one. (Okay, Larry didn't say "hot." That was me.) Melanie says "no fuckin' way" to Larry's suggestion that he take over the case. Mel, you know I love you: you're trenchant, arrogant, and gorgeous when you're indignant, but Larry might be right -- it might be time to put your clients first. Well, I guess you think that's what you're doing:

Melanie: "If you think I worked day and night for months, pouring my guts into this case, only to see it taken away by one of the boys -- "
Larry: "I am not trying to take it away from you. This will still be your case. Your work will still be there; you will still be there."
Melanie: "Sitting behind you. Sorry, Larry: no way. And given the confidence and support of my clients, there's no way they'd allow it either."

Yeah, but... maybe you should ask them which battles they'd like to fight, rather than choosing for them. I'm just saying.

Rigoletto's — Ted has just finished singing. A group of cute little old ladies -- well, little old ladies who think they're cute -- are trying to split their bill. Ted helps out by quickly calculating everything in his head like a good little accountant. We get it, we get it, but they insist on spelling it out anyway: one of the women says, "You've got a nice voice, young man, but if you ask me, you should have been an accountant. It's in your blood."

Ben and Michael's house — The social worker's back. She's decided that all of the screaming the other night was just evidence of pure and simple love. That quickly? What happened: did Deb bring you some cannelloni and a little bit of that caustic comfort only she can provide? Or have you just realized that there's really no point in giving it much thought because this show is not really very interested in dramatic tension or thorough character development? We just want our boys to be happy, so thank you for playing your small part in their important lives. Oh, and thank you for being the token black person in the episode.

Brian's office — Ted is back to accept the job. Yay! Hey, Emmett: your geeky boyfriend is back. Sort of. You might want to keep dating the wolfman for now, just in case.

A sidewalk — I really wish the episode had ended with that sweet little scene in Brian's office. Instead, we have to watch Cody and Justin being stupid and disgusting and revolting. They see a straight couple kissing and decide to kiss near them because it's so revolutionary, and then when the couple walk away, Cody and Justin follow them and harass them. Cody ends up pulling a gun on the guy -- you knew it was coming, right? -- so the straight folks apologize and get the hell out of there.

In a nearby alley, Justin expresses his discomfort with the whole firearm idea, but Cody says it's fine because it wasn't loaded. Justin's never seen a gun before, so they proceed to play with it and give each other hand jobs and make me sick. No, not because of the sex, but because of the gun, and because it's all so pretentious and tired. Sex in back alleys and vigilante violence: that's gay America, folks. The homophobes were right all along.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Michael lies to Ben; Vic disses Deb; Brian finds Justin's gun; Chris Hobbes is back.

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