Queer As Folk recap: Season Four, Episode Nine
(original air date 13 June 2004)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

1. Didn't Justin used to seem like a good actor?
   Yes. But he also used to have cute hair.
2. Has Ben gotten over himself yet?
   I fear his narcissistic journey is just beginning.
3. What the hell is wrong with Lindsay?
   Lindsay who? I don't know anyone named Lindsay.
4. What did Deb's T-shirt say?
   Nothing! She wore only perfectly normal shirts with no words on them. I don't know what to do with myself.

A mad scientist's lair — Some guy is getting his 'nads zapped. Oh, wait, that's Brian on the slab! And the mad scientist is Vic, and he has a mighty big green ray gun. This is kinda funny. And Brian is cute in those silver shorts. If only we could continue on in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 vein -- wouldn't that be fun? That reminds me of the first season of QAF, when the boys all watched a soap opera called Gay As Blazes. Get back to the self-mockery, please: it was one of the good things about this show.

The real world — Brian's just had his first radiation treatment. The technician/nurse/random plot device tells him he's going to hit a wall around noon, so he should stay home for a few days and take it easy. He looks thin and ill. Can we please find the miracle cure already and move on?

Ben and Michael's apartment — Hunter is reading a travel guide, planning his trip to Hollywood. Michael says they should go try to steal John Wayne's footprints, just like Lucy did. Hunter gives him a blank stare and starts pouring Captain Crunch into what looks like a popcorn bowl. It's goofy and cute, right? No. Lucy was goofy and cute. Here we have something that's more along the lines of dorky and overeager.

The Hollywood talk makes Ben as green as the kitchen cupboards, so he downs his protein shake and leaves to get on with his busy, serious, non-Hollywood life. Yeah, the dorky and overeager stuff was better by far.

Kinnetik — Justin is waiting for Brian, who is not happy to have a visitor. Brian tells his assistant that he does not want Justin there and even threatens a restraining order. That's not nice. Hey, remember when Sharon Gless had to get a restraining order because she had a crazed lesbian stalker? (No, it was not me!)

The cemetery — Deb and Emmett are visiting Vic's brand new grave. Deb tells Vic that it's not quite the headstone she intended -- I guess we didn't keep the angel one from last week? Apparently I drifted off and didn't follow the storyline properly. (Maybe because there was no proper story to follow). Anyway, the headstone Vic has instead is "solid, hard, and smooth," and once again, I'm pretty sure you can fill in the punch line yourself.

Emmett's cell phone buzzes in an especially thrilling way, so he steps a few feet away and babbles while Deb has her moment with Vic. It's kind of rude, frankly. Deb apologizes to Vic and tells him she loves him. Just when I start to feel a little bit moved, the camera pans to Emmett in his cute Dr. Zhivago-y snow bunny outfit and ruins the moment.

The Liberty Diner — Lindsay is looking at a sonogram and saying "It's a warm and wonderful place, filled with love and possibilities." Wow, I mean, I know Melanie's hot, but is it really all that?

Melanie: "You'll have to forgive my wife. She tends to wax poetic in direct proportion to the size of my tummy."
Lindsay: "Oh, come on, you've done your fair share of waxing yourself."
Melanie: "I've never once waxed."

Yeah, that's a good policy: let it grow!

Michael picks up the sonogram and says the kid has a big dick; Lindsay corrects him and says that's the umbilical cord. Don't worry, Mikey: sonograms never really look like anything to anyone, sorta like inkblots, but for some reason people think that if you don't react correctly to them, there's something wrong with you.

Lindsay leaves to tend to the Auerbach show. Mel reminds her that they have Lamaze class later, and of course Lindsay wiggles out of that because her man needs some attention, and who knows what happened to that first kid anyway? The second one can just go wherever he went. Michael offers to go to Lamaze in Lindsay's place: "Is it a class for lesbian mothers? I won't shave my legs. No one will notice."

Justin walks by and says something mean, so of course Michael follows him and asks what's wrong. Justin's annoyed that Michael told Brian they knew about the cancer, and it's just this sort of thing that makes gay shows hard to recap, because you can't say "he's annoyed because he told him they knew about his cancer." Anyway, the point is that Justin's pouting.

A library — Ben checks out some books while the circulation clerk checks out Ben. The guy, Anthony, is a former student; Ben doesn't remember him at first, but somehow starts to make the connections as Anthony tries to make a love connection with him. Ben says it's not his policy to "fraternize with students," which just makes him sound pompous, and Anthony doesn't believe it anyway.

Deb's house — Emmett can't seem to find someone to fill in for Vic at the next catering gig. Deb offers to lend him a hand, but Emmett is looking for someone a little more chef-like.

Deb is reading a detective novel. Emmett, who is good at sleuthing out emotional clues, suggests that she's really thinking about her ex-boyfriend Carl the detective. Deb pretends it's not true.

As Em picks at Deb's plate, he realizes the chocolate mousse is pretty good: but Deb didn't make it, Shanda Leer did. Emmett grabs his purse and leaves without a word.

Kinnetik — Ted finds Brian collapsed on the couch and assumes he has fallen prey to the dangers of substance abuse. Brian says no, "it's the big C," and after Ted guesses Cocaine and Crystal, Brian spells it out in true QAF style. He then rushes to the loo to puke, and when he comes back he gives Ted the task of running a meeting that afternoon. Ted doesn't see how he can do that, and I'm sure nobody else does either -- it's a sure sign that Brian's not feeling well, and the other sign is that he asks Ted to call him a cab so he can go home. Sniffle.

A cafeteria — Ben is having lunch with his former student Anthony. If I were there, I'd have to start a food fight to entertain myself, because whatever the hell they're talking about is blander than cafeteria food. At one point Anthony says something about Ben having "converted" -- oh, that's right, to Buddhism. Except Ben never talks about that anymore, because he's too busy whining about being rejected by umpteen publishers. And oh, speaking of that, he just happens to have a copy of his manuscript handy for Anthony to take home and read. Yeah, most people carry around bound copies of their manuscripts in case an adoring fan comes along.

Woody's — Emmett interrupts Shanda Leer's rehearsal to ask her -- well, to ask Darren -- to join the catering biz. Darren's not interested at first, but then realizes he needs money for Shanda's gowns and shoes. Emmett sums it up perfectly, of course: "Honey, let's review. You need dough, and I need someone to stuff it with spinach and porcini mushrooms."

Michael's comic book shop — Hunter has brought the mail, which includes two $10,000 checks for Justin and Michael. Hey, Michael, did you ever bother to have a lawyer look at that contract? 'Cause if not, that $10,000 might be the limit of your limelight.

Hunter has also brought a letter for Ben, which he insists on opening and reading: yep, it's another rejection. I'm stunned.

The police station— Deb knocks on Carl's office door. Carl is eating lunch:

Deb: "Am I interrupting?"
Carl: "I was just about to devour my manwich."
Deb: "In my neighborhood, that's three guys fucking."

Hahaha! I take back what I said about not stalking you, Sharon Gless: I'm going to start tomorrow.

Deb starts to flirt with Carl a little. He interrupts and says he's seeing someone and didn't mean to give her the wrong impression. Sigh. How could anyone let Sharon Gless get away? Go ahead and devour that manwich, Carl: I hope it gives you a coronary.

Kinnetik — Ted is bumbling through the presentation. Brian's assistant, Cynthia, rescues him, sort of, but the prospective client is not impressed. Luckily, the client's son is interested -- and is also looking pretty gay. As he and his dad leave, he stops and asks Cynthia for directions to the men's room. After he goes, Cynthia tells Ted that's his cue to go close the deal, because that's what Brian would have done.

So Ted goes to the men's room too, and does his duty, and it's sort of funny when he grabs the guy by the tie and throws him into the stall. But I can't help thinking that it would be sexy and cool if Brian were doing it, so it just makes me sad.

Lindsay's gallery of ghouls — Sam the Jerk unveils the portrait Lindsay did of him and says it's "good." Lindsay babbles about Gertrude Stein and Picasso, and if these two think they're the modern-day versions of those two brilliant minds, then they're even stupider than I thought. Sam tells Lindsay that if she weren't a "fuckin' dyke," he'd marry her. She says if she weren't already married, she might consider it. I tell them both that if I weren't already recapping this show, I'd consider it just so I could say this: you're both revolting, pathetic, shallow wannabes and I hope Melanie finds a way to humiliate you publicly and ruin your careers.

Brian's loft — Michael pounds on the door until a very weak Brian opens it. Michael proceeds to try to take care of him, but of course that's exactly what Brian doesn't want. Michael starts to lecture Brian about Justin; Brian says Justin would eventually have left anyway, and that's a bit of a revelation to Michael, but not to most semi-conscious viewers.

The catering gig — Emmett and Darren are catering a football party of some sort. The star football player is announcing his engagement; some of his buddies ask him where he got those caterers. The man of the hour says the caterers look like "a couple of flamers," which prompts this great speech from Emmett:

Emmett: "I hope I'm not out of place for saying this... actually, I don't give a fuck if I am. Back in Hazelhurst, uh, Mississippi, where I grew up, I was always taught that if a real man has something to say about someone, he says it to his face. Not behind his back. So even though you may be a... a star, you know, captain of the team, hero to millions, you still have a lot to learn about being a man."

And then he sashays away. You go, girl! But I'm scared, because I saw the preview last week.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Ben reads his already-opened rejection letter. Michael tries to console him, and gives him a laptop to cheer him up. But Ben doesn't want his "consolation prize or [his] pity," and I don't really blame him, because I'd be kinda ticked off if someone opened my mail. Still, I'd take the laptop.

Woody's — Deb is drowning her sorrows. Emmett joins her and tells her about the jerk at the catering gig: "halfback, quarterback, third back..." That's about how much I know about football too.

Em also tries to tell Deb that Carl may not be serious about his new woman, but Deb knows she's lost Carl. Aww. You still have me, Deb!

Lamaze class — Mel's Lamaze teacher is kinda cute. Mel, you should get her number for when... well, for later. The teacher is also nice to Michael, but she doesn't have the same sparkle in her eyes when she talks to him. Mel says the teacher probably thinks Michael and Mel are happily married, but what the hell has the woman been thinking so far, while Lindsay was there, no doubt batting her eyelashes at Mel's tummy? Oh, whatever. Melanie waxes poetic about how great it is that she and Michael have such stable relationships and how bright their futures are. Mel, have you been watching too many Reagan tributes?

Michael's comic book shop — We finally get to find out the name of the place: it's "Red Cape Comics." Hmm... I think you could have done better, Michael. Justin is on the doorstep, waiting for Michael, but he's just there to get the check. Michael gives Justin a little lecture about what Brian really needs and about how difficult it is to build your life around being young and beautiful and then have that taken away from you.

Lindsay's gallery of grotesqueries — Sam continues to show us all the nuances of his egomania, while Lindsay continues to fawn over him like a ... well, like a straight girl. At one point a couple of guys come through with a big painting, and in order to protect her, Sam pulls Lindsay in for a hug. Yeah, it's about as authentic -- and as disgusting -- as it sounds. This might be a good time to mention that I have Lindsay and Melanie refrigerator magnets -- yes, I'm pathetic. Several months ago, I started using two of them on my dishwasher: I put the Lindsay magnet on the dishwasher door when the dishes are clean, and I put Melanie there when they're dirty. I may need to rethink that.

Ben and Michael's apartment — Ben is preparing a lecture. He and Michael have a little spat, during which Ben reveals that he's never going to write again. Maybe that self-doubting disease will be contagious and hit a few of the QAF writers. We can dream.

The football star's house — Emmett is there to pick up his check and supplies. The football player invites him in, and the next thing you know, he's flirting with Emmett. In the previews they made this look like an assault, so I was wary, but this guy really just seems like he thinks Emmett is cute. I suppose I should complain about the insinuation that gay men will sleep with anyone who's interested, but Emmett seems to be having a good time, and that's all I care about. Well, that and the fact that I'm not sure the guy took the time to put on a condom, dammit.

Ben's office — Ben is there working, so he won't have to talk to Michael. The sycophant student comes by to return the manuscript, which of course he loved, and to invite Ben for coffee, which of course he accepts.

Kinnetik — Brian is trying not to toss his cookies again. He must have been watching that Ben/Anthony scene, because I feel nauseated too. Ted tromps into Brian's office again; he wants to keep running the meetings and closing the deals, so he tells Brian he'd best go home early again. Somehow, Ted, I just don't think you're going to have the same kind of track record, and I know it's not going to be as fun.

Brian's loft — Brian arrives home to find Justin, who has been preparing soup and a speech. Justin won't go away, blah blah, and calls Brian lots of names, ho hum, and somewhere in the middle of the whole thing he sort of stops acting, so Brian just goes to bed. I think I will too.

NEXT WEEK ON QUEER AS FOLK: Brian can't quite get it up; Ben adores adoration; Lindsay sends the wrong signals; Emmett learns the rules of the game.

More QAF recaps available here.