AfterElton.com - "Queer as Folk" Episode 5.03

Queer As Folk recap: Season Five, Episode Three
(original air date 29 May 2005)

THIS WEEK'S QAF FAQ:

Did Deb really quit her job?
Looks like it. But nothing's ever what it looks like on this show, except for Brian.
Could Ted be more annoying?
No.
What did Deb's T-shirt(s) say?
One had a picture of a tea kettle on it and said "Caution: under pressure." Another had a recycling symbol on it and said "I've been used."

We're here, we're queer, and we were stoned the last time we watched Cabaret — Some fabulously fit fellows in clever costumes are... well, I'm not sure what they are. There's some sort of emcee, with a chair and a whip, and there are some midsummer night's dream-y bondage slaves, and there's fog and eerie light and quirky music and a spherical cage. If this were just a little less fun and a little more pretentious, we might be in an L Word Carnivale o' Jenny scene instead. (If you don't know what that means, consider yourself lucky.)

As the cirque du queer-leil finish whatever it is they're doing, the camera backs up to reveal that we're in Babylon, and the crowd is more like a handful than a crowd. Brian and Ted and Justin are among the few and the proud, and they do their best to make the performers feel appreciated. Then they belly up to the bar, where Brian considers ordering a "Grey Goose and arsenic." He doesn't understand where he's gone wrong — he's been using his considerable marketing skills to promote the club, but the queers just aren't showing up.

The emcee of the floor show demands drinks on the house, "for wasting our time and our talent." Ted says something Ted-like that makes Justin roll his eyes.

The park — Lindsay is sitting on a bench, under an umbrella. The baby carriage is in front of her, and although I'm sure that the rain shield thingy on it is perfectly safe and is a highly touted feature of this particular model of carriage/stroller/pram/whatever, I can't help but think that it looks like Lindsay grabbed the plastic wrapping from a new appliance and slipped it over poor suffocating Jenny Rebecca.

Anyway, Mel's there, ducking under the umbrella and apologizing for being late. For a brief moment I enjoy the civility, and the attempt at humor:

Melanie: "How's my sweetie?" [meaning the baby, not Linds, unfortunately]
Lindsay: "Out like a light."
Melanie: "How much Xanax did you give her."
Lindsay: [blink blink]
Melanie: "It was a joke. I wish I could get her to sleep instead of crying all night."

Lindsay doesn't want to joke; she wants to know what Mel's lawyer said about Michael's recent trip to crazed-daddy-land. Mel says Mikey can't possibly prove he's a better custodial parent, and that the judge almost always favors the mother. She reminds Linds of what happened with Hunter's mom. Oh, right, what did happen? I seem to remember some courtroom drama. Are we going to have to suffer through that again?

Mel also says that her lawyer doesn't think Linds should show up at the meeting where all of this custody stuff will be discussed, because it will complicate things and possibly hurt Mel's case.

Lindsay: "Your case? We were life partners for 10 years."
Melanie: "And now we're divorcing lesbians. Not even divorcing. Dissolving."

Dissolving lesbians. I cannot think of a better term for the lesbians associated with this show — be they characters or viewers. I myself am about two seconds away from becoming a supersaturated solution.

Mel insists that she and Linds still have the same arrangement — equal time for each of them with both J.R. and Gus. "You'll just have to trust me," she says smugly.

Yeah, I think maybe trust is the other thing that's dissolving here.

Kinnetik — Lindsay's telling Brian her tale of woe. Brian's got his own worries: his slogan for the new 16-ounce Blue Rooster chicken sandwich didn't go over very well. And what was the slogan? "When you're hungry for a big cock." Get it? Heh.

Linds says she wants to believe Melanie, because they've tried to be fair where the kids are concerned. But Brian's not so optimistic, of course. He gives Lindsay the name of a lawyer friend of his.

Lindsay: "I guess I have no choice."
Brian: "Guess not. The queers are about to find out what the breeders have known all along: in a messy divorce, nobody stays clean."

Lindsay, you and I both know that there are so, so many better ways to get dirty with Melanie.