If you title a show Help Me Help You, you'd better be sure the show itself is nothing less than stellar. Otherwise, you're just opening yourself up for bad puns in reviews that discuss how underwhelming the show is. “You need help? Have you tried not being completely mediocre?” That's something a more mean-spirited review might report. But Help Me Help You does, in fact, need help.

While the two episodes of this new Ted Danson vehicle that ABC screened to critics do nothing to tarnish the genre of the sitcom, they just don't crackle with the unique wit that a new show needs to grab viewers' attention, draw critical praise or even survive the first season.

To its credit, Help Me Help You moves quickly, looks flawless and, in a short amount of airtime, neatly introduces the protagonists and various hangers-on. The problem? It's just not funny, and that's deadly serious for a sitcom.

Help Me Help You suffers from the curious predicament of employing talented comedic actors like Danson, Jere Burns (Dear John), Jane Kaczmarek (Malcolm in the Middle) and Lindsay Sloane (Grosse Point), and then not giving them any funny lines.

Danson plays Dr. Bill Hoffman, an arrogant prick of a psychologist who leads a group of patients in treating their various neuroses. Handy still-frame shots list the group members' respective problems as we meet them: Dave (Charlie Finn) has attempted suicide to get an attractive co-worker's attention, while Inger (Suzy Nakamura) is socially awkward. Michael (Burns) has anger issues that led to his court-ordered participation in the group, while Darlene (Darlene Hunt) has too many issues to list — most important among them, she's in love with Dr. Hoffman.

And finally, there's little Jonathan (Jim Rash), who is saddled with the unbearable burden of being mistaken for a homosexual.

If viewers can suspend their disbelief long enough to buy the idea that any psychologist would lump these patients into the same group — seriously, you'd think suicidal tendencies would require more attention than the girl who has trouble monitoring her inner dialogue — then Help Me Help You would work as a good sitcom premise.

After all, there's little funnier than the lighter side of mental illness, and this group is certainly a mess. The regular group sessions give the main cast a reason to meet, make fun of each other, and then embark on their own misadventures. Add to this the presence of Dr. Hoffman's ex-wife — Kaczmarek, still long-suffering like her Malcolm in the Middle character, but yelling slightly less — and a college-aged daughter (Sloane) and one might expect the result would successfully fuse the “sit” with the “com.”

But it doesn't. The words coming out of these characters' mouths just don't make for comedy. Blame the writing, I suppose, since many of these actors have successfully starred in sitcoms before Help Me Help You.

To add insult to injury, many gay viewers may have problems with the character of the ambiguously gay Jonathan. Granted, a similar plot device is being used on fellow freshman sitcom The Class. But what The Class gets right in squeezing the comedy out of sexual ambiguity is the sheer, oblivious glee of its pseudo-gay character, played by Sam Harris. Jonathan, on the other hand, mopes.

Apparently, his sexual disorientation has impacted his life to the point where he has to attend regular psychological sessions about it. It's understandable — even his wife tells him he's gay, as we see in the pilot.

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