Page 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Next

Across the room, youngest brother Justin enters the ballroom with his boss/date, Tyler. She is dressed casually and notices that everyone else is in black tie. Uh oh, she's pissed. She looks so tacky and she knows it. I bet she'd rather look fat than tacky. Compounding the problem, their assigned table is a tribute to the Broadway show, “Wicked,” and Tyler is wearing an emerald green dress. (If you had any doubt this show was written by a gay man this should convince you.)

Tyler: Everyone will think I'm the witch.

My suggestion? Just take the dress off and go sit naked by Treat Williams at the “Hair” table.

Justin comes up with his own solution. He takes off his black tux jacket and throws it over Tyler's shoulders. Clearly, Justin is destined to win the next season of Project Runway.

We cut to Sarah and Bill. He takes off her coat and we finally get a look at Sarah's dress. Am I just seeing things or does her dress have a string of shucked oysters glued to it? Those things are really going to stink by the end of the evening.

The Walkers all make their way to the “Wicked” table. Also sitting with the family are Warren and Amber. Kitty is careful to put Amber directly across the table from her – so the poor girl will be obscured by the overlarge table centerpiece. “Wicked” indeed.

Champagne is served and Julia declines, tipping everyone off that she and Tommy are trying to get pregnant. Tommy, who still hasn't told anyone he's sterile, looks on glumly.

Amber introduces herself to Nora and Kevin. Sensing Kitty's discomfort, Kevin pulls the young intern away to dance. When Warren shows returns, he asks where Amber went.

Kitty: Oh, you know they just opened up the kids buffet.

Snap again! If you ask me, Calista is getting the best lines tonight. Warren asks her to dance.

We cut to Amber and Kevin on the dance floor. He asks her opinion about something.

Kevin: If you were dating someone and they offered to pay you not to work this event as a cater waiter, but to come as his date, would you be offended?
Amber: Yes! You can't buy someone's time. It's all tied to pride and the work ethic. Like Sigmund Freud said.
Kevin: What did Freud say?
Amber: He said love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness.

Kevin is impressed. Me personally, I think its hooey. Large heads and opposable thumbs—that's what makes us human. And I bet the writers are proud of themselves for this one. The blonde isn't an airhead! Fooled the audience on that one, didn't we?

We cut to youngest son Justin dancing with Momma Nora. Harry (Robert Foxworthy) cuts in despite Nora's protests. Clearly, he's itching to feel her up again. What better place to do it than on the dance floor?

Nearby, Kitty and Warren are dancing.

Warren: I think we should try something.
Kitty: Oh and what would that be, a ménage?

Oh Kitty, you're so funny. I'm all for that ménage idea so long as the third party is a cute guy and you stay on the far edge of the bed. But as it turns out, Warren is talking about a truce. He's with Amber now, and nothing is going to change that. Amber is perky and quotes Freud, after all. Warren suggests he and Kitty should try being friends. Kitty agrees.

Cut to Tommy moping by himself at the bar. Julia approaches and asks him what's wrong. She thinks maybe he doesn't share her desire to have a baby.

Julia: You're just not ready are you?

Tommy realizes he has to fess up to being sterile and drags Julia into the coat checkroom so they can talk in private. He gives her the bad news. All those Kama Sutra contortions have been for naught. Julia takes it like a trooper.

Julia: Having children with you would make me the happiest woman in the world, but I don't care how we have them.

She's practically Angelina Jolie, isn't she? Tommy kisses her, relieved that she is so understanding. What? Like she was going to file for divorce over this? Then he does what any man would do in the situation—he starts stripping off his clothes, ready to jump Julia right there in the coatroom.

I want Julia to say, “Uh, Tommy, shooting blanks remember? Let me go grab that hot bartender.”

But no, Julia allows Tommy to have his way with her on the coat room floor. And who can blame those crazy kids? Poor Tommy is so relieved that his marriage isn't over he must pleasure Julia right NOW!

Cut back to the ballroom floor. Kevin is getting sloshed while dancing with Spencer. Nora is still being twirled around by lecherous Harry. He starts groping her badonkadonk with abandon. Nora tries to pull away, but just then mean-mouthed Margaret (Meredith Baxter Birney) shows up accusing Nora of seducing her husband.

Saul and Holly look on from a nearby table, which means we've got Sally Field, Ron Rifkin, Robert Foxworthy, Meredith Baxter-Birney, and Patricia Wettig all onscreen at once. Okay, not to be ageist here, but too many old people! Could we maybe focus on the younger cast a bit more? Last I checked the show was called Brothers & Sisters, not sixtysomething.

Page 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 - Next