I'LL TAKE "POOR WRITING AND BAD ACCENTS" FOR $50,000, ALEX
Historical epic Alexander is fast approaching box-office suicide. Over the Christmas holiday weekend, the film grossed just shy of $50,000. Total. Director Oliver Stone still things the film's implied homosexuality is responsible for the film's critical and financial failing, telling the London Telegraph this week that he should have "taken out the homosexuality for the US market and for countries sensitive to such things, like Korea or Greece."

Sure, Oliver, it was the homosexuality that killed the film. Just keep telling yourself that.

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
A kiss between Antonio (Jeremy Irons) and Bassanio (Joseph Fiennes) in Michael Radford's new cinematic adaptation of Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice is creating a stir, with newspaper headlines screaming "Is the Merchant of Venice gay?" According to Fiennes, the kiss was not written into the script; it was initiated by Fiennes in a single take based on his own interpretation of the character. There is little else in the film to imply a homosexual relationship between the two characters, and even Fiennes and Irons disagree on whether their characters could be romantically involved. In short, there's very little to warrant all this media fuss.

The reviews of the film are mostly positive, even with the suggestion of homosexuality. Somewhere, Oliver Stone is scratching his head.

THE PRODUCERS
Nathan Lane has dropped out of The Producers two weeks earlier than planned, due to two slipped discs. Lane is still on track to begin filming the movie version of the musical in February, which co-stars Matthew Broderick and Will Ferrell.

ELTON GETS BUSY
UK newspapers are reporting that Elton John and David Furnish have secretly gotten married, but neither man is confirming or denying the report.

One thing John has confirmed, however, is that he has joined David Bowie and a handful of other British pop stars to create a single called "Grief Never Grows Old," proceeds of which will go to the Disasters Emergency Committee (DEC), which is coordinating the British relief of last week's devastating tsunamis in Asia. The single should be in record stores in the next few weeks.

Check back each Friday for a new Best. Gay. Week. Ever.