The young woman dies tragically, launching Diane,
her mother, onto a quest for closure. Tom helps mom
find peace at last, but only after many secrets are
revealed. Be sure to have your insulin on hand in
you slip into a diabetic coma.
If
you just can’t wait for the Jan 8th return
of Desperate Housewives, ABC has thoughtfully
repackaged the first half of the season into an “original
special” (aren’t they clever!) that follows each character’s
arc thus far this season and brings you up to date
on the plot. Or you could just read a book. You do
know what a book is, don’t you?
DID
SANTA BRING YOU TIVO?
In
that case, let me help you decide what to program,
as there are quite a few shows of gay interest heading
our way. On New Year’s Day, Bruce Vilanch
and Chastity Bono try to transform themselves into
Ricky Martin and Lindsay Lohan
on VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club. Mmmm, a sweaty
Bruce Vilanch.
Friday
January 6th promises to be interesting
for not only for the premiere of The Book of Daniel
with Christian Campbell playing a gay Republican,
but also for the ensuing hissy-fits from conservative
Christians who think the only good gay character is
the non-existent, “ex-gay,” or a dead one that teaches
everyone else about the moral pitfalls of being queer.
That
same night, the Food Network also brings us Party
Line with the Hearty Boys, two gay guys cooking
up all sorts of delicious things Bruce and Chastity
won’t be eating.
January
9th brings ABC’s Emily’s Reasons
Why Not, with not one, but two gay characters.
Word has it that neither of them dies! Sorry conservative
Christians.
On
the 10th day of the new year, Bravo gives
us a very special gay episode of Party! Party!,
the show all about planning celebrations. On this
episode, two gay couples plan very different weddings.
Normally, I’d ask how different a wedding could be,
but for some reason I can’t get the image of an all
Leather wedding conducted by a dominatrix out of my
head. Hey, somebody tell the American Family Association
there is another show they can protest.
Fred
Savage goes gay in Crumbs,
another ABC dysfunctional family comedy (are there
any other kinds?). Fred’s character, Mitch, is the
only normal one in the clan. Lord knows that’s how
it works in my family. Crumbs debuts January
12th.
If
you’re so gay you even watch soap operas (Desperate
Housewives is NOT a soap opera!), then you might
want to start watching General Hospital on
January 16th, as Ben Hogestyn plays the
gay nephew of Luke Spencer, whoever the hell that
is.
We
get a gay athlete on CBS’s Love Monkey, debuting
on the 17th of January. I’m going to watch
just to find out what the hell a Love Monkey is. Christopher
Wiehl from Playmakers plays
the gay jock.
So
now run over and program all these shows into your
Tivo, assuming you can figure out how to do it.
HOW
NOT TO CONVINCE THE WORLD THAT YOU ARE STRAIGHT
Everybody
knows speedos are gay, gay, gay. (At least in America
anyway!) Wearing one is like running down the street
screaming "I love Brokeback Mountain
so much I've seen it five times! Marry me, Jake!"
And getting photographed wearing a speedo with a hot
guy also wearing a speedo while the two of you spread
a blanket on the beach? Well, you might as well go
on TV and jump up and down on Oprah's couch.
Nobody
must have told poor Ricky Martin about this rule because
Towleroad
has a picture of him in a very tight speedo with a
very hot guy. Contrary to all the speculation, that
is not me with Ricky, although I understand the confusion.
Somebody should send poor Ricky a Denver Bronco’s
football jersey and one of those baseball caps with
beer cans on either side of the hat all hooked up
to a straw. Nah, even then Ricky would look pretty
gay. Not that I’m saying he is, mind you.
SPEAKING
OF GAY LATINOS
Spanish-language
programming is often perceived as rather over the
top, but the portrayals of gays and lesbians have
definitely been stereotypical. GLAAD reports that
all of that is changing, at least somewhat. Univision's
"El Gordo y La Flaca" and Telemundo's "Decisiones,"
and publications such as "People en Espanol"
and "TV Notas," have all
improved. Talk show host Cristina Saralegui received
GLAAD’s Premio Valentía for her work in educating
much of Latin America about sexual and gender orientation
issues. Way to go, Cristina!
IT’S
OFFICIAL—I’M GETTING SICK OF BROKEBACK
And
I haven’t even seen it. Between the conservatives’
ranting about its immorality, straight guys whining
that their not homophobes if they don’t want to see
it, and gay guys bawling about the ending, I’m just
starting to not care so much. Or maybe it’s just the
post-Christmas let down.
Now
I’ll shut up so you can have the BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER!
