Sunday night is the two-hour finale that will show just how far our gay, Mormon, wilderness guide can go. I’m betting all the way.

AT LONG LAST THE MOVIE YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR OPENS TODAY!
I’m talking about the Chronicles of Narnia, of course. Oh, yeah, I think some flick about cowboys opens as well. Broke Mountain Ridge maybe? The cowboys in it might be gay, but since there has been so little media coverage, I’m not sure. I do know that the Christian wingnuts are boasting that the Christian allegory, Narnia, will kick Brokeback’s box-office ass in some sort of apocalyptic showdown between wholesome Christian values and our depraved gay ones. Given that poor ol’ Narnia opens on just 3300 screens while Brokeback opens on FIVE (in limited release), I have to hand it to the wingnuts for really going out on a ledge with this prediction. Now if only they’d jump off said ledge, I know I’d have a merry Christmas (or perhaps I’ll say “happy holiday,” just to piss them off!).

One more Brokeback note: MSNBC has a very funny essay by their gay movie critic, titled "A Straight Dude’s Guide to Brokeback Mountain." And here I thought the fun of Brokeback would strictly be watching Jake and Heath fall in love, not watching straight guys squirm so much. It’s a two-fer!

TOM CRUISE, I MEAN, ROBBIE WILLIAMS IS SO NOT GAY
And it’ll cost you big bucks if you say he is. Taking a page out of Mr. Cruise’s How To Prove You’re So Not Gay playbook, Brit pop star Robbie Williams sued the Fleet Street tabloids that claimed Robbie lived a secret gay life involving sordid escapades in nightclub bathrooms. (And here you thought that was just lesbian cheerleaders.) In court, the tabloids admitted they are big, fat liars and now have to pay Mr. Williams an undisclosed, but substantial amount. Meanwhile, this week millions of people read headlines featuring the words “Robbie Williams” and “gay”. So much for that strategy, Tom. Er, I mean, Robbie.

ROPE UNRAVELS—GOOD RIDDANCE
An off-Broadway production of Rope (based on a 1929 novel) just opened at the Zipper Theater. Rope, best known as a 1949 Alfred Hitchcock movie starring Jimmy Stewart, is reviled by much of the gay community as a homophobic piece of crap. The plot centers on a gay couple (they’re creepy and pathetic and their implied sexual relationship is also creepy and pathetic) who murder an All-American young man only days before he is to be married to an All-American young woman. Then they dump his body in a trunk and serve guests dinner on it. Hmmm, what might the subtext be here? I bet Donald Wildmon over at the American Family Association could offer an idea or two. I can’t imagine the reason for bringing this dreck back to life unless it was to put a fresh twist on the whole thing. Judging from this review, it sounds like director David Warren failed to do that. Or much of anything else either. Hopefully, it will only be a matter of days before Rope comes to the end of its own rope.

ON THE UPSIDE, THERE WILL BE FEWER ADS TO BUG YOU
The wusses at the Ford Motor Company sat up and begged, rolled over, and then played dead at the behest of the vile American Family Association. And then they lied about it. Again and again. What they were thinking in this age of internet blogging is beyond me when pretty much any document or email can be uncovered in the time it takes an oil company to make another million (forty-two seconds, by the way). John Aravosis over at Americablog.com pretty much nailed Ford to the wall as lying sack of, well, nevermind. There hasn’t been this much egg on anyone’s face since Bush guaranteed we’d find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Or pretty much anything else he’s said since being elected.

MY DREAM IS TO WIN SURVIOR, MAKE FORD CRY UNCLE, AND LOSE THAT LAST FIVE POUNDS
MTV has a young adult show called Made wherein a teenager gets the chance to be “made” into their dream. Previous episodes have included a young girl from the south who wants desperately to be a Broadway dancer and a young man who dreamt of being a snarky internet columnist (I had him “dealt” with). This week’s episode of Made brought us sixteen-year old Josh who is gay. Very gay. And kind of chunky. And doesn’t really fit into his small Vermont town’s soccer-crazy culture. What Josh does have are truckloads of moxie and pretty cool parents who accept him mostly as is. Josh’s dream is to lose some weight, actually play for his high school soccer team, thereby earning at least a little respect from his classmates. And he’d also like to connect with his dad. If you can’t guess the outcome, you either just migrated here from Latvia or are doing way too many drugs. Hats off to MTV for continuing to make the concept of diversity really mean something. Unlike, oh, say, the Ford Motor Company.

NBC’s Law & Order: Special Victims Unit also had a gay storyline this week. As an aside, let me say I really do not get these crime-procedural shows. When did the idea of “character” become a four letter word? Actors in commercials have deeper parts than the detectives on these crime dramas. Of course, the actors must love it. They pretty much just have to pick up the script and read it, varying their expressions between stern, concerned, and puzzled as needed. Law & Order prides itself on its ripped from the headlines story and this week’s plot revolved around a homophobic Catholic school, a set of same-sex parents, the homophobic parents of a bully at the school, and a little girl who demonstrates why it’s a really bad idea that airport security is going to let scissors back on airplanes. The show featured some deft plot twists and was very pro-gay. For that, NBC gets a big, shiny gold star for everyone involved.

By the way, I’ve been a very good boy this year and I’d like to find Law & Order’s Christopher Meloni in my Xmas stocking come December 25th. Or any other day is fine, too.

Now I’ll shut up so you can have the BEST. GAY. WEEK. EVER.

That's it for this week! Check back next Friday for a new installment of Best. Gay. Week. Ever., or read previous installments here.