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And it was true. Of all my friends, he was one of the most comfortable in his own skin.

Which is when I knew: for him, being effeminate was like being attracted to guys was for me. It was something that was impossible to deny.

Then he said something very insightful. He said, “Why does it matter to you, the
way I act?”

“Well, it doesn't,” I said firmly. But I was lying. It did matter. A lot. And for a long time after that, I wondered why. In the end, I decided that it was because (a) most people thought that an effeminate man was a bad thing, and (b) since I was gay, effeminate gay men were a reflection on me.

But the more I thought about my friend, the more I realized that (a) who he was wasn't any reflection on me at all, and (b) he was wasn't anything to be ashamed of anyway. In fact, as human beings go, he was pretty damn great. And if other people couldn't see that, well, that was really their loss, wasn't it? As this same friend of mine once told me, there's not a lot in this world that takes more courage than a guy simply putting on a dress and walking down the street.

In short, my discomfort with my friend, and with media portrayals of effeminate gay men, wasn't about him; it was about me, my own insecurity with my being gay.

Since that ride in the car with my friend, I've seen the world with different eyes. Oh, I still get annoyed when I see portrayals of gay men where it seems obvious that the character was created to be laughed at or mocked or hated – filmdom's hundreds of effeminate gay villains, for example.

And I despise portrayals of gay men where the straight actor underlines the “gayness” –- acting all soft-spoken and “oh-so-sensitive,” but also keeping the character itself at arm's length. Take Greg Kinnear in As Good as it Gets –- a pitch-perfect portrayal of a straight man pretending to be gay.

All this said, I am glad we're witnessing another wave of butch gay men. But not too glad!

And that is the last gay word.

Brent Hartinger is the author of the gay teen novel, Geography Club, which is currently being adapted for the movies. The sequel, The Order of the Poison Oak, is in stores now.  Explore “Brent’s Brain,” his website, at brenthartinger.com.

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