First off, my bedtime is 11 PM tops, and second, I HATE horror movies. I don't even like watching people give themselves shots. And whenever anybody pulls out a gun, a knife, or large pair of tweezers, I peer over the top of my glasses so everything is really fuzzy. So watching a plane full of snakes kill a bunch of people sounded only slightly more appealing to me than watching another episode of Rescue Me. (Although watching a roomful of snakes go after Rescue Me's writers wouldn't be bad!)

Nonetheless, Brent and I went to the movie and then came home to write the review so that when you got to work this morning you'd have something to read other than boring email from your boss. Not only that, but I managed to land one of the first interviews with Bruce James, the actor who plays the “Is-he-or-isn't-he-gay?” flight attendant in Snakes. Trust me, Bob Woodward didn't work this hard to break the Watergate story. So the least you can do is go read my interview with Bruce here and our review here.

LUCKY FOR THEM I DIDN'T AUDITION
In its continuing quest to be the gayest thing on the planet since YouTube, this week Bravo started casting for Joan River's new talk show (which still hasn't been named). According to the New York Observer, swarms of Carson Kressleys turned out to audition to be one of the three sidekicks. Among the hopefuls was Bradford Shellhammer, the blogger who created one of my favorite sites, Queerty.com. Alas, Bradford didn't make the callback, in part, he speculates, because he said he likes Oprah. It probably didn't help that Bradford also said that Miss Rivers was wonderful and “totally not scary-looking in person”.

**BIG BROTHER ALL-STARS SPOILER ALERT!**
In a bit of late-breaking news, our favorite (and only) openly gay Big Brother All-Stars contestant Marcelllas was voted off the show last night. We'll have more info for you on his eviction next week.

NO! NO! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PROBIE DECIDED HE WASN'T GAY!
I stopped watching Rescue Me a couple of weeks ago after Probie decided he missed, um, female companionship and his “gay” roommate (who was cheating on Probie) threw him out for not being monogamous. Or something. But then a friend asked me what I thought of last week's episode when the other fireman learned Probie was gay. Which they did when Probie's “gay” roommate outed him because...well, we don't know really. Anyway, I had TIVO'ed the episode so I went back to watch and was pleasantly surprised.

Yes, Probie's fellow fire fighters were rather homophobic (no more showering together, naturally, since we gay men simply go berserk around straight men in the locker room). Nonetheless, they were trying to be accepting of Probie, even going so far as to sabotage his transfer to another station. As for Probie, he was swearing he wasn't a ‘mo (remember he never did anything to anyone). Perhaps, I thought, I had been too hard on Rescue Me.

Then came this week's episode. Turns out Probie still has doubts about his sexuality after all. How do they manifest themselves? He spends simply hours shopping for a shirt. He moisturizes. But the clincher? He gets his tush waxed. I kid you not. So Dennis Leary advises Probie to rush off and bang the woman who specializes in helping “confused” guys like Probie. Naturally, she complies, and together they make sweet heterosexual love, proving Probie is indeed straight. Or something. But then Probie notices how soft his paramour's hair is and inquires as to which conditioner she uses as he has a simply dreadful case of split ends. Her reaction? “I think we need to go again,” she says, meaning another round of sex. Because, after all, that's the only way to get the gay out.

Honestly, could a show be more misguided on gay issues?

Next week Probie will supposedly seek “advice” about his sexual confusion. My suggestion? Use Paul Mitchell Instant Moisture Daily Treatment for the split ends. And fire your manager or whoever the hell is responsible for keeping you on this show.

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