Page 1 / 2 - Home

My biggest problem with The Covenant (like most "A" theatrical movies) is that it's really a direct-to-DVD movie trying to be something it's not. In my day, we called it piss elegance. But it doesn't work. As my good friends might say, “We know you're trash so don't try to get grand on me, Mary.”

The PG-13 rating was fair warning that the filmmakers were going to take the “high” road — like going to Denny's and asking for the wine list. If there is one thing I've learned about working in the 21st-century Z-movie netherworld, it's that when you work in the gutter, you're in the gutter. (I should know; I work in the sewer!)

The Covenant is too safe and dated — aren't “raves” last century? The same goes for the MTV lighting and editing. And would Hollywood please stop using computer-generated monsters that just aren't scary?

Yes, the cast is hot. I wouldn't expect anything less from Screen Gems head honcho Clint Culpepper, the man who gave us Eddie Cibrian in The Cave — woof! But I couldn't tell if these beauties could act because the dialogue they had to wrap their incredibly sexy lips around was drone-inducing — that is, hip teen-speak written by an old man.

Even worse — indeed, tragically disappointing given the television ads — the film is not sexy. Except for the occasional Speedo moment and a quick locker room scene, the film is about as arousing as a sixth-grade health film about the onset of puberty. The actors wear costumes right up to their necks. We all know these actors spend more time in the gym than they do in acting class, so lets see some pecs! Some gratuitous spanking! I want my nine dollars' worth! Heck, there isn't even a love scene, so I have to give the director an F on his exploitation movie exam.

Shot in Canada (Isn't everything?), it's fun to hear actors from Quebec attempt a New England accent. Canadian Wendy Crewson plays Canadian Margo Kidder's role of a drag queen-like mother (complete with a cigarette flailing about). Stunner Chace Crawford (love the last name) steals the movie (which isn't saying much) in the tiny, non-pivotal role of Hot Warlock No. 7. This kid is so beautiful that I'm gonna rent the DVD (likely in a month) and make a screensaver out of him. He's that hot!

The ending of the movie has two cuties battling it out in a barn. That's right: a barn. What screams cinematic climax more than a place where livestock lives, eh? Complete with Mutant X (a very bad TV show) level special effects, the final scene is so under-produced it's embarrassing for all involved.

I'm not gonna kiss my own tush and say that the filmmakers were inspired by my movies in any way. They most likely never saw them (and most likely never will!). The truth is that The Covenant is a knockoff of The Lost Boys, only not anywhere near as cool. Suffice it to say that director Renny Harlin is no Joel Schumacher. (Did I really just write that?)

I'll wrap it up by saying that up here in Canada, we call it like it is. Hollywood better realize that when you play in the gutter, it's OK to get filthy. You can shower all the dirt off (and film it too!). You don't exactly have the best reputation, Hollywood , so when we want trash, please deliver it — you'd be so good at it.

Visit David DeCoteau at rapidheart.com. His latest epic masterpiece, Beastly Boyz, is currently airing on here! TV.

Page 1 / 2 - Home