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So what, if anything, is the gossip and outings doing to the way celebrities (closeted and not) think about us, and does their frustration/anger roll over to the public in ways that are damaging to us?

I think we have to be very careful in answering those questions, because it's easy to make mountains out of molehills. The rumors insinuate that stars are gay, not axe murderers. Yes, rumormongers aren't very considerate, but it's not exactly a newsflash that some gossip queens are pissy. No one would ever vote E!'s Ted Casablanca Miss Congeniality, for example. But are gossipers guilty of harming celebrities? I don't think so. Where's the evidence?

Hollywood is the home of self-imposed self-importance. I think entertainers sometimes forget that they do not walk on water. Some celebs are more powerful than others, of course, but no one in Hollywood is curing cancer. And, more importantly, no one is begging for food on off-ramps because of a gay rumor. A little perspective is in order before anyone starts crying foul.

In light of his DUI last week and his anti-Semitic and expletive-laced rant during his arrest, Mel Gibson would probably admit that he would rather have been caught singing “I'll Be Good For You” with Lance Bass on Hollywood Boulevard. My bet is that even he'd agree that being suspected of being gay would be less harmful to his career than being proven a vulgar, sexist, Jew-hating drunk.

And the public view of gay gossip? That's a no-brainer. No one is supporting a federal amendment against same-sex marriage because some gay people like to tell tales.

No, we won't stop spreading rumors because it's detrimental to us or to our favorite stars. But maybe we should stop because it's simply not a very effective way to reach our goal of acceptance.

With very few exceptions--Lance Bass being the most recent--the rumor mill has proved ineffective time and time again. Tabloid history has shown us that we can print all the rumors we want, but rarely does something we write cause a star to say, “All right already! You've forced me out. I'm gay.”

Even if it's confirmed, without a doubt, that Tom Cruise, Kevin Spacey, 6-10 percent of the NFL, NBA, NRA, PLO, PTA, etc. are gay, the validations probably won't be a result of gossip. When celebrities come out, most do so of their own accord and only when they're ready.

The ultra-famous, such as Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O'Donnell, made a lot of noise coming out, but that's no surprise--the ultra-famous like grand entrances. The equally secure but lesser known come out rather nonchalantly, though. They discuss their sexuality with reporters as if recalling a favorite meal.

Nelly Furtado, for example, came out uneventfully in the pages of Genre magazine recently. When asked if she was attracted to women, she said, “Absolutely. Women are beautiful and sexy.” And then she went on to talk about Chinese medicine and balanced energies.

The insecure and closeted, on the other hand, will probably always remain tight and close-mouthed, while the extremely insecure will always protest far too much and be litigious.

The stars who loudly deny they're gay would probably rather die before coming out to the public, because not only does their shame run deep, but also their lies become their truths. Those folks have rung the “I'm Not Gay!' bell so loudly that they'll never be able to un-ring it.

If Tom Cruise, for example, is really gay and he came out tomorrow, it would be news--sort of--but the real story would be the anatomy of his denials. Today Cruise is viewed as an overconfident nut case; tomorrow he'd be one of the biggest liars Hollywood has ever seen. He'd be more than just a laughingstock--he'd be a sham, relegated to playing golf with O.J. Simpson. Tom Cruise come out? Mission Impossible, indeed.

So, it seems to me that speculation about the sexuality of celebrities, while endlessly entertaining, is more ineffective than it is efficacious. It's also valueless. We can get more useful information watching VH1's 40 Awesomely Bad Fashion Moments. Panty lines could kill you, socially speaking. But speculating about whether or not Jake Gyllenhaal and Oprah Winfrey are gay won't ruin or make fabulous our lives.

So forgive me Oprah, for I have sinned. I have wanted you to be my savior, my dyke in Vera Wang armor. I have mumbled the words, “Liar, liar, pants on fire!” many times under my breath to you. I'm sorry. But please try to understand that the rumors aren't about you, even though I know it feels like they are. They're about us.

But if it makes you feel any better, I promise that I now accept that you are not a lesbian. I will from this point forward leave you alone and go back to dishing and wishing that Jodie Foster and Katherine Moennig would just come out already. Unlike you, they couldn't dismiss me with such a convincing, “Oh, please,” if their lives depended on it.

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