Joe Lopes died on the morning of Nov. 12, 2001, when the American Airlines flight he was on crashed just after takeoff from New York's John F. Kennedy Airport. Though the crash took place just two months after Sept. 11, it was a tragic accident, not the work of terrorists.

For Bill Valentine, Lopes' partner of 21 years, the morning of Nov. 12 was a watershed. In the aftermath, Valentine struggled with bureaucracy and the government of New York state to gain survivors' benefits appropriate to his and Joe's life partnership. Valentine also struggled with fear, rage, guilt and grief.

To help sort out his feelings, Valentine kept a journal, which he later turned into a book titled A Season of Grief, a moving chronicle that paints a picture of devotion that can only be called marital ­— and makes plain, in practical terms, the need for full marriage equality in the United States.

Bill Valentine spoke with AfterElton.com recently by telephone.

AfterElton.com: When people talk about your book, they sometimes think that Joe Lopes' flight was one of the planes that went down on 9/11. Is this perception something you have to address at readings or when speaking to the press?
Bill Valentine: Yes, it's the crash that everyone forgot. Once it was determined that it wasn't an act of terrorism, people put it out of their minds, which is a natural reaction. It doesn't bother me. It was a tragedy for those of us who were involved, whether or not the public remembers it.

AE: One thing that both 9/11 and your own experience make abundantly clear is the need for same-sex families to be able to secure legal protections.
BV: Yes. That's not the main focus of the book, but it's one of the things that I hope people take away from it. And this is an instance in which 9/11 survivors really were treated differently, at least in New York state. For instance, if Joe had died on 9/11, I would have received the Workers' Compensation spousal death benefit. We tried to convince the legislature and the courts that the fact that he died on a different date and on a different plane shouldn't prevent me from getting the proper death benefits, but neither the legislature nor the courts were interested in that argument.

AE: How is it that the legislature can justify survivors' benefits for 9/11 but not for an accident like the one that killed Joe Lopes?
BV: People think of New York as a very liberal place, but on a statewide basis, we have quite a conservative government. The state Senate is controlled by the Republican Party. While they were more than happy to associate themselves with helping survivors of 9/11 — including domestic partners — the leadership of the Republican party has not been interested in a broad-based domestic partnership/civil union initiative.

Joe and I were New York City domestic partners, had wills, worked for progressive organizations, but that made no difference. All of the big issues that come up when a spouse dies — the disposition of property, social security, pensions, estate taxes, workers' compensation, wrongful death liability — are governed by state and federal law, and in New York we have very little protection as domestic partners. In this matter, we're really more of a red state.

AE: One thing that the reader picks up on is that losing Joe didn't just mean that his life had ended. It also, in a very substantial way, meant that your life as you had known it also came to an end.
BV: Yes. I was 26 when we met, and I felt like I didn't even remember what life was like before meeting Joe. I didn't really know any other way of living. On the one hand, it was a profound change; there was an enormous void at the center of my life. But on the other hand, when you have been together that long, you really can't separate. Joe had become a part of me. It was hard to tell where I ended and Joe began. Who I am today is a reflection of who he was and who we were together. I am who I am because of the time that I spent with him, so in that sense he lives on, and I go on with him.

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