Ask the Flying Monkey! (January 11, 2010)

Have a question about gay male entertainment? Send it to aftereltonflyingmonkey@yahoo.com! (Please include your city and state and/or country.)

Q: I can't help feeling a little tingle when watching George Clooney. He seems so gay even though he never played a gay role. It's the twinkle in his eyes. His male friends are all dreamy and the women he's been attached to seem like they could care less. Is he the big gay secret in Hollywood, like Rock Hudson was? – Price, West Palm Beach, FL

George Clooney

A: That little tingle you feel is called “being alive.” That said, Clooney seems unbelievably straight to me – the kind of man we here in Seattle call a “Seattle Straight Guy.” That means he’s thoughtful, articulate, fit, liberal as hell, well-dressed and well-groomed, but thoroughly straight, even as he’s totally cool with gay people.

If you mistake a Seattle Straight Guy for gay, he usually says something like, “Hey, man, I’m really flattered, but I don’t date men.” Then he might laugh and say, completely confident in his masculinity, “Well, there was that one time in college…!”

Seattle Straight Guys are different from, say, Alabama Straight Guys in that when you mistake an Alabama Straight Guy for gay, he just might punch your face in – and then spend the next six months doing everything he can to convince himself and everyone around him that he’s not really gay.

Yes, I stereotype. But when it comes to tolerance of gays, there are really are geographic differences in the U.S. (though it’s mostly urban/rural, not blue state/red state).

Anyway, needless to say, Seattle Straight Guys are unbelievably hot. Seriously, it’s infuriating. Michael (my partner and the editor of this site) and I live near Green Lake (this urban lake just north of downtown), and I swear: walking around the lake in summer is like stepping into a Sean Cody video, albeit with slightly more clothing.

But back to Clooney. He has played gay characters, twice – sort of. He played Stan Marsh’s gay dog Sparky in an episode of South Park (although the dog had no dialogue, just made barking noises). And when, in 2006, Barbara Walters asked him if he’d play a gay cowboy, he said, "I was in a rubber suit and I had rubber nipples. I could have played Batman straight, but I made him gay."