Ask the Flying Monkey! (April 1, 2009)

Have a question about gay male entertainment? Ask the Monkey! (Please include your city and state and/or country.)

Q: Are they ever going to do a gay version of The Bachelor? – Biff, Orlando, FL 

A: In fact, the ABC reality show will finally launch its first all-gay version of The Bachelor later this year, featuring … Clay Aiken as the bachelor in question. The single father and former-American Idol runner-up is clearly looking to reinvent himself by going back to his reality television roots.

There will be a couple of changes from the usual version of the show, however. A Flying Monkey interview with one of the suitors revealed that the men were specifically told they won’t be allowed to kiss or touch each other throughout the taping of the show, and are not to sit any closer than one foot together in the hot tub. Meanwhile, baggy trunks rather than Speedos were strongly encouraged.

One other change is that at the end of each episode, rather than a single rose, Aiken will hand each of the surviving suitors a bottle of Absolut vodka. 

Q: I completely agree with you about Perez Hilton, but what do you think about the fact that MTV and VH1 and even Barbara Walter’s The View keep giving him precious air-time?– Sandy, La Jolla, CA

A: That they’re as culpable as he is. When these major media outlets hire him, they’re endorsing him and agreeing that his brand of puerile yellow journalism is part of acceptable discourse.

But as bad as it is, it’s about to get worse. Word is that later this week, Katie Couric will announce her departure from the CBS Evening News to be replaced by … no one. Incredibly, CBS’ vaunted national news department will soon be ceasing its nightly broadcasts. But they will be airing something it its place: a gossip and celebrity news-style news show, a la TMZ TV, hosted by none other than Perez Hilton.

Yes, you read that right: Perez Hilton is taking over the CBS Evening News slot, starting in June.

The Monkey’s source, which is in management at CBS, says that the network had become so discouraged by the broadcast’s low ratings, and the fact that Couric’s expensive tenure actually made them worse, that they were willing to try anything. And the online popularity of Perez’ low-brow gossip rag proves that that’s where the audience is.

And now I’m off to go kill myself. 

Q: I read somewhere that the founder of Domino’s is a right-winger. Is it okay to eat Domino’s Pizza? – SherryBaby, Lake Tahoe, NV

A: In fact, Tom Monaghan, founder of Domino’s, has dedicated his life to promoting “Catholic” values, funding anti-gay campaigns and supporting anti-gay politicians. And while he did sell the company in 1998, that hasn’t stopped him from continuing to inject his insidious anti-gay agenda into the company in many ways.

The company’s famous lop-sided Domino’s logo? Reportedly, the “domino” part of the logo is actually an impressionist image of a naked women reclining backwards, and it was specifically designed to taunt gay men. Meanwhile, at some stores, the pepperonis on at least every tenth pizza are rumored to be arranged to loosely spell out the word “FAG.”

Next page! Finally the truth about Ryan Seacrest, Tom Cruise and everyone else you were curious about.