Ask the Flying Monkey! (July 6, 2009)

Q: The recent photo in your column of Mitch Hewer made me curious to see more. From what I could read, it seems that he hasn't said anything publicly about his sexuality. Would you agree that the following photos are very suggestive? – Bill, Manchester, NH

A: Suggestive? That he’s gay, you mean? Since it seems pretty clear that he knew the photographs were being taken, a better explanation is that he was just doing what a good celebrity does when they’re doing promotional work: fitting in with fans and going with the flow.

Mitch Hewer and a fan

Q: Oh flying monkey I am crushing on you. What am I to do? -- Aaron, Minnesota

A: Take it up with my partner, Michael.

The truth is, unfortunately for you (but fortunately for me!), I am pretty deliriously happy with my Michael.

But I’m thrilled to print your letter in my column, if only to make Michael jealous and keep him on his toes.

Q: Who has the bigger gay fan-base, Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert? -- Lisa, Los Angeles, California

Jon Stewart (left) and Stephen Colbert

A: In my scientifically accurate sample of two gay men (my partner and me), Stewart destroys Colbert. It’s not that Colbert isn’t funny; it’s just that 100% of this survey group can only take him in small doses. It seems that right-wing cable bloviators just aren’t very interesting to this group, even when they’re being mocked. Meanwhile, the same 100% of this sample has a small, but persistent crush on the dreamy, oh-so-brainy Stewart.

What about the gay folks not included in this scientifically accurate sample? Nielsen ratings for most cable shows are notoriously hard to come by, but The Daily Show with Jon Stewart had generally beaten The Colbert Report in the ratings by about 20%. Presumably, that also reflects their gay fan-base.

Next page! Another Christian musician, and what the hell are AfterElton.com points?