Ask the Flying Monkey: Why Doesn’t the Fem Guy Ever Chase the Butch One?

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Q: After seeing Blaine chase Kurt around the room in Glee’s “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” Christmas episode number, I said to my close friend/ex that I would "let Blaine chase me around that room for days on end," and his response was, "See, I'm more of the person who'd be doing the chasing." I'm 5' 9'' and 130 lbs, and more than one person has referred to me as a "twink" (a word which I find to be derogatory and demeaning). What confuses me is that my instinct to be chased by Blaine does not follow with him dominating me, but the complete opposite. I am always attracted to the most butch, athletic, tall, hyper-masculine guys around me because I want to ravish them. Is that weird?

It occurred to me that my natural instincts as a gay man not only go against the hetero-norm, but also our community's homo-norm, where the fem guy automatically assumes the submissive role in any scene of any movie or TV show. Any thoughts on this topic? How am I supposed to meet genuine people and not make it about sex, and yet still find a good match physically? Also, can you think of any instances where the "fem" guy ends up ravaging the "masc" guy in film or TV? -- Daniel, California

A: I confess that, while I think your question is really, really interesting, I was a little confused by it. I get the idea of a “fem” guy being the more aggressive or even dominant partner – and this, of course, is an old gay cliché: top during the day, bottom in bed. But it seems like a new, although admittedly somewhat hot wrinkle to want to be pursued and dominated, but then turn the tables at the very end.

Speaking of sex, I tracked down some evidence that gay and bisexual male tendencies do seem to conform to the stereotypes: bottoms tend to be more submissive and feminine in general, and tops do tend to be more dominant and masculine (and also closeted and married – yikes!).

But it’s worth emphasizing that these are just very general trends – that some tops are fem and some bottoms are masculine, a lot of gay and bi men aren’t “tops” or “bottoms” but are “versatile,” and a lot of us aren’t into anal sex at all.

As for fictional portrayals, I’m not so sure the fem-as-aggressor is as unusual as you think. Dr. Frank-N-Furter (pictured left) is fem and aggressive in The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Arnold is the pursuer in Torch Song Trilogy, so is Chi-Chi in To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar, and Patrick is no blushing flower in Breakfast on Pluto. Meanwhile, he’s not exactly “fem,” but it’s fey-er Christian who pursues butch Mormon missionary Aaron in Latter Days.

Clockwise from top left: Latter Days' Aaron & Christian, Torch Song's Arnold & Alan,
Drawn Together's Xandir & Captain Hero, and Noah's Arc's Noah & Wade.

Basically, I think it depends on whether the fem character is a “leading” character or not, since leading characters always tend to be more active than supporting ones.

That also tends to be true on television whenever an effeminate character is one of a show’s “main” characters. If a “love interest” is added to the cast, he tends to be more masculine (to “balance” out the effeminate character? To conform to the stereotype that gay couples have a “butch” and a “fem” member? I dunno). But even so, the effeminate character is still often the more active, aggressive one.

Examples? Marc with Cliff on Ugly Betty; Lafayette with various partners on True Blood; Noah with Wade (at times) on Noah’s Arc; and Kenny with Stuart on My Name is Earl.

Other examples of the fem as aggressor? Xandir with Captain Hero in the cartoon Drawn Together, and Lionel and Marshall on United States of Tara.

Daniel, does your personal interest go against both the hetero and homo norm? Probably, but so what? I watched one of my all-time favorite movies last weekend, Harold & Maude, and at one point, Harold tells Maude he wants to be a daisy, because they’re all alike, so he can blend in with everyone else.

But Maude objects, saying, “Oh, but they're not! Look. See, some are smaller, some are fatter, some grow to the left, some to the right, some even have lost some petals. All kinds of observable differences! You see, Harold, I feel that much of the world's sorrow comes from people who are this [pointing to a single, unique daisy], yet allow themselves to be treated like this [and she gestures across the whole field].”

Trust me, Daniel, you are exactly the daisy that some hot guy is searching the field for. 

P.S. But, um, now we know why you broke up with your ex, right?

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