Ask the Flying Monkey! (April 22, 2008)

Q: Who’s the guy in the pirate getup singing and strumming his guitar in the TV ads for the web site FreeCreditReport.com? I like his little country twang and the bit of chest hair I can see. Do you have any info on who he is and any background info? – Jonny

A: You’re not the only one taken with Eric Violette, the French Canadian actor/musician appearing in the series of TV ads for FreeCreditReport.com. Violette is a real singer, but he doesn’t speak much English, and alas, the singing voice in the ad is dubbed by a studio musician; the band, which is just a bunch of actors, isn’t real either.

And while I’m at it, Jonny, I might as well let you know there’s no Santa Claus, Vitamin C doesn’t cure the common cold, and every time a bell rings, not only does an angel not get his wings, he actually experiences severe intestinal cramping.

Q: Prince Harry or Prince William? Conrad, Bangor, ME

A: What, is this the new “Ben or Matt?” I’m just pleased for them they both turned out semi-hunkish; after Prince William turned out to be a heartthrob, I was terrified that a dog-faced Harry would spend his whole life withering in the shadow of his handsome older brother. (Can you guess how I spent my teen years?)

Which reminds me of my most humiliating moment ever. I was visiting some relatives in another city and stopped by their neighbors to see if my cousins were around. The mother smiled and said to me, “Around here, you’re known as ‘the cute cousin’!” But the three teenage girls, all watching television, looked haughtily over at me and said, “No, that’s the older brother.”

It pleases me to think those three girls now all probably weigh four hundred pounds and are married to sweaty louts with saggy boxers and lots of back-hair.

Q: Many of my friends saw Shelter this weekend. Though one local gay theater critic panned it, my friends — everyone from the softball-playing gays to the Sondheim-worshipping gays — loved the movie. One friend commented he has not thought this hard about a gay movie since Brokeback Mountain. So the question is what other projects does here! have to follow up this success? They might actually be able to single-handedly turn the gay film genre around. – Bill, Minneapolis, MN

A: The Flying Monkey completely agrees with you about Shelter. Alas, it saddens me to report that here!’s next movie, Kiss the Bride, which opened in theaters April 18th (and will debut on here! next month) isn’t nearly as good. It stars Tori Spelling, who is wasted in her first gay flick since 1999's Trick (which is one of the Flying Monkey’s all-time favorite gay movies). The two male leads are so bland and interchangeable, it wasn’t until about halfway through the movie that I started being able to tell them apart. To my surprise, Kiss the Bride is by the director of Latter Days (2003), another movie I liked a lot.

Still, the Flying Monkey recently wrote a full article on the innovations that here! is bringing to the gay movie marketplace. If things go as planned (and assuming there aren’t too many more stinkers like Kiss the Bride), I think you’re right, and they really could turn the indie gay film genre around.

Next page...Why the Monkey hates Brothers & Sisters