Ask the Flying Monkey (May 5, 2008)

Q: Can men be gay icons? I have a straight friend who's always asking me if celebrities like Ian McKellen and T.R. Knight are "gay icons," and I keep trying to tell him there's a difference between a gay icon and a gay role model. Do you think any men, gay or straight or somewhere in between, have achieved "iconic" status? (My friend always defends his case by arguing that Chuck Norris is the ultimate "straight icon"...) -- Tom, Koreatown, CA

A: This is a tough one, but I think I agree with your friend.

It’s true that when I hear “gay icon,” I tend to think Cher! Liza! Dolly! Mariah! Bette Davis!

But what is a “gay icon” anyway? There’s some sort of larger-than-life quality about them, some refusal to compromise who they are just to conform to the expectations of others (because they ultimately can’t change what isn’t quite “right” about them anyway). But these icons somehow manage to take the very thing that might make others reject them — a big nose, for example, or a hillbilly twang — and, through the sheer force of their will (not to mention considerable talent), they force the world to accept them completely on their own terms. They turn their “flaws” into assets. Plus, they get to wear sparkly stuff.

What gay guy can’t relate to that?

I think it is harder for a guy to be a gay icon because — let’s face it — men make the rules in life, so the odds are never quite as long for them. And — let’s also face it — society tends to frown on flamboyance in men even more than it does big noses or a hillbilly twang in women.

But surely some men qualify as gay icons: Elton John? RuPaul? Freddie Mercury? Cary Grant? Quentin Crisp? Noel Coward? Paul Lynde? David Bowie? Not surprisingly, many of these icons are or were gay.

T.R. Knight & Ian McKellen. Both admired, but are they "icons"?

Q: In your opinion, what’s the greatest real-life gay love story? – E.M., Newark, NJ

A: No doubt there are many, many long-term same-sex love affairs that we’ll never know anything about, because the people involved couldn’t be out, or because the media censored the information about their love.

Playwright Tennessee Williams had a relationship with Frank Merlo from 1947 until Merlo’s death in 1963. Like his sister Rose (the inspiration for Laura in The Glass Menagerie), Williams suffered from mental illness (and addiction). But Merlo brought stability to Williams’ life and enabled him to write some of the greatest plays of the 20^th century, including the Pulitzer Prize-winning pair, A Streetcar Named Desire and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

If they hadn’t been gay, this would have been a movie starring a chain-smoking Jane Fonda and a grizzled Jason Robards ages ago.

And speaking of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwrights, Edward Albee’s long-term partner died several years ago, and he recently talked about it to the New York Times: “We had such a good, long relationship: nearly 35 years,” Albee said. “That’s a long time, a life in itself. Of course that makes it worse, but at the same time you can’t just say, ‘How dare you go away from me?’ — which is an attitude that a lot of people get. ‘How dare you die!’ There’s got to be a lot of ‘Thank you’ too. ‘Thank you for being alive and being with me for so long.’”

On the lighter side, the Monkey once interviewed actor Dick Sargent (the second “Darrin” on Bewitched) shortly before his death in 1993. Sargent, who had recently come out, told me how happy his life had been with his partner, Albert Williams, despite the lengths they’d had to go to hide their being gay. For a time, Sargent even pretended to date lesbian writer-actress Fannie Flagg, appearing on game shows together as boyfriend and girlfriend.

A more recent love story that would be an instant TV movie if the couple involved wasn’t gay: Iraqi hostage James Loney and his Canadian husband Dan Hunt. Hunt and Loney's family tried hard to hide the fact that James is gay, so as to not potentially inflame his kidnappers. Just imagine the screen tension!

Q: I was wondering if you have any news on Portia de Rossi's new series Butch and Fay which is supposedly about two closeted Hollywood types who make a marriage of convenience to save their careers. We would love to know if it’s been picked up. – Mary, London, England

A: Sounds like Dick Sargent and Fannie Flagg! But a point of correction: it’s actually a TV movie, not a series.

The project is currently in development, written by Portia with out lesbian Amanda Bearse (Married…With Children) negotiating to direct. The gay male role of “Butch” has not yet been cast. It sounds like a clever idea, and something that de Rossi probably knows something about. But the earliest we could see it is 2009.

Portia de Rossi

Next Page! Gay duos! And that Kevin Federline look-alike!