Monkey Uncaged: Can’t Butch and Femme Men Just Get Along?

Have a question about gay male entertainment? Ask the Monkey! [mailto:aftereltonflyingmonkey@yahoo.com] (Please include your city and state and/or country.)

A Note from the Flying Monkey: Of the many emails I receive every week for my column, some are so good that they simply can’t be answered in just a few words. So from time to time, the editors have decided to let me out of the “cage” of that regular column, in a feature we’re calling Monkey Uncaged! 

Q: There was a furious, but fascinating reaction to that article in Newsweek a few weeks ago that argued that flamboyant gays on TV were hurting the same-sex marriage cause. Why do some "open" homosexuals claim that masculinity in men (especially fellow homosexual men) is just a collection of learned behaviors that they only perform because it is expected of them, and yet they don't question that the femininity they display is the collection of behaviors that are expected of women and homosexual men (through stereotypes) to perform as well? I know it’s not all gay men, but why do the two groups (feminine and masculine) men sometimes have so much animosity towards each other? -- Ace, St. Paul, MN

A: As you say, passions always run very high on this topic. And I think you’re right to point out that this is only a minority of gay and bisexual men. But it’s a significant minority, so I think it’s important to talk about.

Here’s what I wish I could say to all traditionally masculine gay and bisexual men: everything else being equal, effeminate gay men have it harder than you do. Yes, we all experience anti-gay prejudice, and yes, masculine gay men threaten gender norms in a unique way. But just about every study shows that effeminate gay men get picked on more than butch ones, and that there’s an outrageous amount of anti-effeminate prejudice even in our own community.

Just imagine, for a moment, the psychological toll it would take on you if you were told, again and again, in subtle and unsubtle ways, “Sorry, I like men who are men.”

And remember how desperately you tried to avoid being picked on in school, how worried you were if your friends ever found out the truth? Effeminate gay men were often the boys who couldn’t avoid it – they’re the ones who were picked on, the cautionary tales that scared you so much. Imagine the toll that would take on you – and consider that, in many cases, that abuse was extended to their own home, so many of these guys had no safe haven.

Finally, effeminate men really don’t choose to be the way they are, and most don’t do it to shock or scandalize or draw attention to themselves. They do it because this is how they genuinely feel comfortable expressing themselves. Just like you didn’t choose to be gay, they didn’t choose to be effeminate. But even if some of them do act or dress a certain way out of defiance, lashing out to piss off a society that has so profoundly rejected them, is that really so hard to understand? If you were in their shoes, wouldn’t you be tempted to do the very same thing? Wouldn’t anyone?

But even if the author of that Newsweek article is clearly an insensitive jerk, I honestly believe this controversy is about more than just masculine gay men acting like dicks.

So here’s what I wish I could say to all non-traditionally masculine gay and bisexual men: it might be more difficult to be effeminate, but being able to “pass” is no picnic in the park. Being a traditionally masculine gay man means having to come out again and again and again, often to people who refuse to believe it. Either that or it means living with the paranoia of the closet – something we can all agree slowly destroys your soul. It doesn’t help that traditionally masculine men are probably less likely to live in the tolerant urban centers or segregated gay ghettos where you tend (out of necessity) to congregate, and more likely to live in smaller towns or be in the military. Remember how isolated you felt in grade school? That’s what many traditionally masculine gay and bisexual men feel like as adults.

Next page! Deconstructing gender is not a gay issue.