Monkey Uncaged: Would You Ever Appear on a Reality TV Show?

A Note from the Flying Monkey: Of the many emails I receive every week for my column, some are so good that they simply can’t be answered in just a few words. So from time to time, the editors have decided to let me out of the “cage” of that regular column, in a feature we’re calling Monkey Uncaged!

Have a question about gay male entertainment or life? Contact me here (and be sure and include your city and state and/or country!)

Q: Answer quickly: would you ever appear on a reality show? – Mike, Toronto, Canada

A: Answer quickly? Have you met the Flying Monkey? To paraphrase Tina Turner at the beginning of “Proud Mary,” the Flying Monkey never does anything nice and quickly.

The first thing that comes to my head is, well, a lot of things.

Truthfully, I’ve often thought that the offices of AfterElton.com would make a fantastic setting for a reality show. Dennis, Snicks, Ed, and I are constantly massaging the ego of some pampered, self-obsessed gay diva, and I’m not taking about all the celebrities we interview – I’m talking about our editor, Michael Jensen.

Okay, I’m kidding. I actually can’t think of anything more drama-free than working on this site, although I love the idea of our being voted out of the office based on how many comments our articles get. I’d volunteer to write all book reviews!

"Sorry Monkey, the tribe has spoken."

Would I ever really participate to be on a reality show?

I’d never do a “strategy” type show like Big Brother or Survivor. It’s not that I don’t think I’m smart enough – it’s that I could never bring myself to hurt anyone’s feelings. In some police duos, there’s a “bad cop” and a “good cop.” If I were part of a police duo, my partner would be “bad cop” and I’d be “make-sure-everyone-is-included-in-the-conversation cop.”

Hey, I was raised Catholic!

I might do a competition-type reality show like Top Chef or Project Runway. Problem is, except for furiously grinding out internet content at a ridiculous pace (and pausing to write the occasional young adult novel), I have no skills whatsoever.

Monkey would kill in a blog post quickfire!

The Amazing Race is out, because whenever I watch that show, they’re always rushing to catch the next bus or train, and I’m always thinking, “This is the exact spot where I’d have to pee.”