Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (January 9, 2008)

So I’m watching the Sci Fi channel the other day, and I see a promo for a movie called Sharks in Venice.

And I’m thinking, Could a movie idea be any more brilliant?

"Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the canal..."

When will the makers of B-movies learn? It’s not enough to just blatantly steal the idea from some previous hit, doing a cheaper, sluttier version. For a movie rip-off to be truly great, you have to add some genuinely clever new twist. And with shark movies, that’s a high bar to clear, because we’ve already had giant sharks, genetically altered sharks, prehistoric sharks, and 3-D sharks — not to mention “shark substitutes” in the form of piranhas, orcas, octopi, and alligators.

But sharks in the canals of Venice? We’ve never had that! Who wouldn’t want to watch this movie?! (Except my wet blanket, B-movie hating partner, Michael, I mean.)

And who does Sharks in Venice star? The homophobic Baldwin brother Stephen and Vanessa Johansson who is — get this! — the sister of Scarlett Johansson.

Anyway, movies simply do not get any more gloriously B than this! Seriously, check out the trailer. (There's even some confusion as to the movie's actual name; the trailer says "Shark"in Venice — singular — but the Sci Fi Channel bills it as "Sharks".)

Okay, I did watch the whole movie, and Sharks in Venice completely sucked as an actual movie, but that’s not the point. It’s still a great idea! (And it’s now available on DVD.)

Anyway, with Sharks in Venice having taken a firm, um, bite out of my consciousness, I proudly present this week’s (mostly) sci-fi edition of B.G.W.E!

And be sure and stayed tuned for my interview with the mother of all gay sci-fi icons – wait for it – Sigourney Weaver. Seriously!

I, GAY ROBOT

I watched an episode of The Outer Limits last night, and it was about how they give this lonely guy a babelicious robot programmed to “love” him, but instead she gets all jealous and cross-eyed, eventually trying to kill the mousy woman who truly loves him (apparently the computer programming robot code for “loving-soul-mate” is a lot more complicated than “Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction” mode).

Anyway, this got me thinking: Aren’t we all supposed to have live-in robots by now? (And if we can’t have that, can we at least get that long-rumored remake of the robots-gone-berserk classic Westworld?)

But what if we did have live-in robots? Surely, we’d get to pick our own models, right? And surely, they’d market some “gay” models directly to us gay folks.

Hmmmmm, I wonder what those gay robot models would be….

*cue strumming harp*

The Jack Twist: Named and modeled after the character Jake Gyllenhaal played in Brokeback Mountain, the Jack Twist specializes in roughing it, and looks particularly good while pitching a tent.

Next page! a Tin Gunn and Mario Lopez's animatronic derriere.