Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (January 16, 2008)

Consider this BGWE: Armageddon Edition.

Just lately I've been filled with a keen sense of dread, like the world is on the edge of some cataclysmic disaster. And no, I'm not talking about those rumors that ABC plans on renewing According to Jim for yet another year.

A ninth season of the James Belushi sitcom would be a major disaster, sure, but I'm more concerned about an unusual spate of minor earthquakes in Yellowstone National Park, which might be the signal of some imminent volcanic eruption that would take out the entire Midwest (buh-bye Utah) and throw enough volcanic ash into the atmosphere to cast the rest of the globe into a nuclear winter for decades.

Note to self: Stock up on self-tanner.

If a volcanic eruption doesn't get us then there's always bird flu, or solar storms, or a giant meteor. At any rate, something big is coming, I can feel it.

You know how animals are supposed to be more perceptive than humans and act all weird just before an earthquake strikes? I think us gays might be similarly perceptive, so we might be more attuned to impending disaster than the general population. Case in point, the unexpected popularity of Brody Jenner's Bromance on MTV has us all a bit spooked around here.

Brody Jenner: Turning ho-yay to evil purpose

But that's just one sign. If Nostradamus is to be believed, there should be a total of seven portents of doom before the actual Armageddon. So here's my list of the remaining six signs of the coming Apocalypse. All gay of course! Note that some of them have already come to pass, though thankfully some haven't. If and when all of these prophecies have been fulfilled, then we shall know great despair.

6. Lane Bryant banner ads begin showing up on AfterElton.com

Left: Insanely insensitive 1960's newspaper ad for Lane Bryant.
Right: A more recent ad, such as has been appearing on this site.

Ads from the women's clothing retailer have lately been making their appearance on this very site. It's like those crop circles in Iowa — no one really can account for them. Sure, we have many female readers of all ages and sizes (and absolutely love them), but do we have enough to market clothing to? Which leads me to wonder, are supernatural forces at work, or has our parent company Logo actually sold us to the Lifetime network without telling us? I'm waiting for the memo which changes our tagline "Because Visibility Matters" to "Because Availability of Plus Sizes Matters."

Next page! Chris Evans keeps shirt on — Nation mourns!