Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (March 05, 2009)

IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!
So the world is melting down. Foreclosures are skyrocketing, and the stock market is in the crapper. I may very well not have a job by the time I finish this column.

There’s absolutely nothing funny about any of this.

But it does remind me of a funny video, “Titanic in Five seconds”:

BUT IT’S NOT ALL HOPELESS!
Seriously, you know what’s scariest about this current financial meltdown?  No one knows how bad it will end up being.

So, in order to put your mind at ease, I’ve done a little research and compiled all the possible outcomes to our current woes. According to economists, here are the five possible scenarios, from most optimistic to least optimistic:

Scenario One: Kevin Costner in The Postman

We’re talking almost complete devastation – a cross between Kevin Costner in The Postman and Kevin Costner’s career after The Postman.

Still, plucky survivors will manage to eke out a meager living bravely reestablishing the vaguest bonds of civilization by, say, delivering dog-eared letters written before the fall of civilization. Oh, and writing columns for AfterElton.com.

Scenario Two: The Final Scene in WALL-E

The planet is a denuded ball of dirt with no resources except towering stacks of toxic waste. Thick, poisonous clouds block out most of the sunlight.

But hey, there’s a little sprout growing amid the rubble! Maybe that’ll feed the 50,000 humans just disembarking off that space ship who are so fat they can barely walk.

Scenario Three: Cormac McCarthy’s The Road

This being Cormac McCarthy, this possible future includes babies roasted on spits and families chained up in basements so their limbs can slowly be harvested for meat.

Cormac McCarthy needs to get himself on meds ASAP. Seriously.

Still, in this scenario, Miley Cyrus is barbecued by a band of marauders, so all in all, it may be a wash.

"Dang it! Ain't she cooked yet?"

Next page! Skynet, cockroaches, and Cher!