Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (March 20, 2009)

FOR ALL OF US (IANTO) JONESING FOR SOME TORCHWOOD ACTION
This is a big week for Torchwood fans.

The new Torchwood comic, “Captain Jack and the Selkie,” is finally being published in the U.S. Anticipation for this comic is particularly high, since it’s co-written by Captain Jack’s alter ego, John Barrowman, himself, along with his sister Carole (and I’ve got a terrific Q&A with Carole you’ll get to see in just a few).

Ordinarily, the publication of a comic might seem like small potatoes in the world of entertainment. But Torchwood fans have been craving any and all new Torchwood material for months. It’s been almost a year since the tearjerker Season Two finale aired in the U.S., and ever since, the blogosphere has been rampant with anxious speculation about Season Three. Sci-fi fans are such a bunch of nervous nellies about stuff like this (me included), and tend to get very protective of proposed changes to their favorite franchises and characters.

So, not surprisingly, the rumors at first were negative — doomsday-like predictions there would be no new episodes at all, or that the show’s infamous sexuality would be tamed down to Teletubby levels of kid-friendly acceptability.

"Tinky meant nothing to me, I swear."

More recently, specific details about Series Three have emerged, from the appearance of a kick-ass preview trailer (Creepy kids! Gwen with guns! A Janto kiss!) to spoilerish hints dropped by the cast and production team at various fan conventions (including a panel at New York’s Comic Con).

Now we know that Season Three, titled “Children of Earth,” will focus on a single, intense story unfolding over five episodes, and from everything we’ve seen and heard about it so far, it’s looking to be everything Torchwood fans have been dreaming of.

While it’s unclear exactly when Season Three will actually air — we know it’s going to be some time this summer on BBC America and that unlike previous seasons, it will run concurrently with the U.K.. We don’t have an exact date yet, but I figure it’s not too early to start getting excited for what’s to come. I, for one, am already hard at work on my Ianto costume to wear for the premiere. So far, I’ve got a necktie and a red hat.

So let’s revisit everything that makes Torchwood such fantastic television, particularly for gay sci-fi fans. I thought we could start off by discuss–

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! READERS OF AFTERELTON.COM, THIS IS Captain Jack Harkness, commander, Torchwood 3, Cardiff. I’m afraid I need to seize control of this column, effective immediately.

There’s no cause for alarm. There’s just the possibility you’ll all be lasered into a blubbering mass of senseless organic matter and enslaved by a hostile alien race for all eternity.

No biggie.

My team began receiving reports from Torchwood 46, THE Mahwah, New Jersey branch, of increased Rift activity around the AfterElton.com offices. Apparently the Homophobionixans, odious masters of the Prop 8 Nebula, have been planning an attack on you good people for some time.

From what we’ve been able to detect, they’re transmitting invisible mind-control rays through YOUR COMPUTER. At this very moment, alien technology is pulsing directly into your ill-prepared, pop-culture-addled 21^st century brains and transforming you all into breeding, tobacco-chewing, monster truck lovers. Or worse.

But I WON’T let that happen. I’ve had my team recalibrate all AfterElton.com systems to emit a counter-attack beam that will, if successful, eradicate the Homophobionixans and whatever threat they pose for good. But I’ll need your help. To amass enough energy for the beam to be successful, we need to activate it at exactly the same moment.

The activation button is the one that I’ve cleverly disguised to read “next>” at the bottom of your monitor screen, and it’s absolutely imperative that all of us press this button together. If we fail, the repercussions would be … well, I’ll be totally fine, what with not being able to die and all. But this isn’t about me. It’s about you. And how much you depend on my total awesomeness.

So get ready. On my count … three … two… and ONE! PRESS, damn you, PRESS!