Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (May 08, 2009)

A body lies in the middle of the darkened alley, as still as a frozen pond.

You know instantly that something is wrong. No arm can bend to such an angle, nor can a torso make such an unnatural twist.

You can tell from a glance, this isn’t just a body; it’s a corpse. The beads to a rosary, released from a broken string, surround the body like lifeless moons around a distant planet.

But who is the victim? Her face is in profile, her nose pressed hard against the oily concrete and the only light is from a sputtering streetlamp. Even so, it’s clear from the smear of Vaseline on the lips, and the surgically enhanced breasts, that this is none other than Miss California.

Also known as Carrie Prejean, this is the “biblically correct” beauty pageant runner-up who’s been at the center of a firestorm regarding comments she made regarding same-sex marriage during, and after, the recent Miss USA pageant.

Now someone has done her in. She lies forsaken in the grimy, dead end alley next to her own apartment building.

Who would do such an awful thing? It’s true that most of us think she used up her fifteen minutes of fame forty five minutes ago. But murder? No one except the vilest among us wanted such an outcome. What with all the mean-spirited jokes at her expense, and now those embarrassing (if hypocritical) topless photos, a lot of us were even starting to feel a little sorry for her.

But someone did do it. And in an AfterElton.com first, if you read this entire column very closely, you’ll have all the clues you need to figure out exactly who it was.

In other words, yes, it’s the Murder Mystery Edition of BEST.GAY.WEEK.EVER!

I LOVE A MYSTERY!
Needless to say, I’ve always loved a good mystery. True, I’ve been decidedly underwhelmed by some of the so-called “classics” – *cough* Double Indemnity, The Maltese Falcon, Bladerunner *cough*.

So what are my favorites? 

Memento (2000): After seeing this movie, I decided to try living backwards. It worked out okay, until I realized I turned in this column two days after it was published. AfterElton.com editor Michael Jensen was not happy. 

Vertigo (1958): It’s Alfred Hitchcock’s masterpiece, mostly because Jimmy Stewart seems genuinely unbalanced through most of the movie. But the film has a big flaw no one ever talks about: Sister Mary Deus Ex Machina suddenly appearing at the top of the tower at the end, surprising Kim Novak who topples over backward off the tower, in effect “punishing” herself for all the bad things she’s done.

Jimmy Stewart and Kim Novak in Vertigo

Next page! Norma is ready for her closeup, and #1 murder suspect Perez Hilton.