Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (June 26, 2009)

A TOTALLY SERIOUS, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEK
Models you can strip (sort of), counting gays, the many faces of Matt Lucas, soap fans love gay storylines, a hypocrite wins #FAIL of the week, gay parents show their pride and don't you threaten my kitty cat!  

Anderson Cooper's 85-year-old mom Gloria Vanderbilt is writing "dirty" books at age 85? Well, according to the article in the New York Times, that's exactly what she did with Obsession: An Erotic Tale. And according to Coop, “The six most surprising words a mother can say to her son are: ‘Honey, I’m writing an erotic novel.’” 

Hmm, I can think of much more surprising words such as "Honey, I cooked Fifi for dinner" or "Honey, I am running for president" or "Honey, I am marrying Larry King." Okay, maybe not that last one wouldn't be such a surprise. 

Anderson isn't bothered by the idea of his mom writing erotica, but I have to say I was troubled by this tidbit from the article: "Mint, cayenne pepper and a fresh garden carrot are deployed in the book in ways never envisioned by The Joy of Cooking."

Um, cayenne pepper? I don't think so...

(BTW, that is not a pic of Gloria Vanderbilt who looks amazing for her age!)

I have to confess that I'm not much of a shopper (I wish I had a Nordstrom's personal shopper who would just bring fresh undies and whatever else I needed right to my house!) but even I might get a bit more enthused about shopping if more companies followed the lead of Score Underwear which let's you undress their tennis player, baseball player or hockey player models. 

OKay, it only let's you partially undress them, but it's still fun and certainly recreates certain locker room fantasies. Personally, I think the GAP, Banana Republic and especially Abercrombie & Fitch should take the concept one step further and have real life models in the store that we can dress and undress just like Ken dolls. Well, not just like Ken dolls. 

In governmental news, the White House announced the upcoming census is going to count married gays for the first time ever. Naturally, there are complications as some gays who aren't legally married, but consider themselves married, list themselves as husbands (or wives) on the census forms which causes the computer to spit that data out. Census spokespeople aren't quite sure how they are going to address it, but promise to do their best to count actual gay marriages.

In other census news, the government also noted that New York, San Francisco, Los Angeles, D.C. and Miami gays are going to be counted as 1.5 gays since living there makes them super gay. Gays in Seattle, Boston, Chicago, Denver, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Atlanta, Dallas, Houston and Phoenix will count for a regular 1.0 gays and 'mos everywhere else will only be .75 gays because according to the spokesperson "How gay can you be in Oklahoma City?"

GLAAD has issued a demand for an apology while Republican congresswoman Sally Kerns of Oklahoma said, "Don't be daft. There aren't gay people in Oklahoma!"

Are you one of those lucky gays who is actually legally married in your state (though its still not recognized by the Federal government, natch!)? Well, good news! The next time you land in Buenos Aires or anywhere else outside the U.S. you can go officially go as "Mr. and Mr." as gay couples can now use their married names on passports. (This despite the Defense of Marriage Act which the Bush administration cited as preventing them from allowing that.) 

The Human Rights Campaign issued a statement praising the decision, but also said they will launch protests against any married gay couples who travel overseas in matching ensembles, especially those involving shorts and floppy-brimmed hats. Said an HRC spokesperson, "While we want the same rights as heterosexuals, we draw the line at actually dressing like them."

Lest you think everything north of the U.S. border is maple-flavored bubble gum and hot hockey players, a gay couple in Vancouver, B.C. recently endured homophobic abuse at the hands of their neighbors. Gay couple Rod Boggs and Bill Hart were harrassed by the Harrison family who deflated the couple's tires, filed false accusations against them and threatened to kill their cat. But alls well that ends well as a B.C. judge ruled the Harrisons had to pay Boggs/Hart $15,000 for the abuse. 

The judge said the amount wouldn't be for me because the gay couple had to a "limited extent" provoked the Harrisons by forcing them to remove a trampoline, glass sound barrier, basketball hoop and other furniture from their front veranda. But the straw that broke the Harrison's proverbial camel's back was when Boggs/Hart ambushed Mr. and Mrs. Harrison, stripped them of their matching outfits and made them wear outfits designed by Christian Siriano and Tom Ford. 

What would Jesus do with gay church members? According to the Southern Baptists, Jesus would boot them out on their asses if they were gay. And that's exactly what the Southern Baptists did when they evicted the Broadway Baptist church for being too lenient on gay issues.

Were the Broadway Baptists (such a fitting name for a gay-tolerant church, no?) marrying gays? No. Were they marching in gay pride parades and organizing a church outing to catch the premiere of Bruno? Nope. So what was their crime? According to Southern Baptist Convention executive committee member Stephen Wilson, the Broadway Baptists "were allowing members and also people in leadership that were homosexual. The church was in effect saying that it was OK to have members who are open homosexuals."

Wilson then said to call 1-800-GAY-BASH to order a box of rocks with which to properly stone homosexuals as Jesus intended.

No doubt there won't be too many Southern Baptists attending Scott Evans' (One Life to Live) Sept. 12th one night only benefit performance of the 2004 Off-Broadway hit My Big Gay Italian Wedding. The adorkable Evans will be playing one half of the happy couple and proceeds will go to the Lustgarten Foundation for Pancreatic Cancer Research. Tickets cost $19.50 to $75 and can be purchased at Ticketmaster or by calling the box office at 718-442-2900.  

(Thanks to Taste_The_Rainbow for the tip!)

Next page! T.R. on Parade and polls abut gay soaps!