Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (July 10, 2009)

A TOTALLY SERIOUS, IN-DEPTH LOOK AT ABSOLUTELY ALL THE NEWS THIS WEEK
This week I had to watch two episodes of Bravo's NYC Prep and two hours of Miami Social, which so destroyed my mind, I have no idea what else went on in the world. Except there was a big funeral for some kind of famous guy. 

In case you missed this week's NYC Prep (and why wouldn't you have if you could?), it appears that Peter Cary “PC” Peterson might have been outed as bisexual. Either that or Bravo editing is going out of their way to make it look like PC might be queer. 

Either alternative makes me nauseous. After watching four episodes of NYC Prep, the thought of PC playing for our team makes me consider throwing my DVR in a vat of hydrochloric acid so it couldn't possibly ever record the show again. And then burn my TV. And possibly blind myself.

Why so vehement? Because PC is an obnoxious vapid twit who talks trash about his friends behind their backs, treats them like dirt to their faces and makes snide, racist comments.

Yeah, PC is just who I want to see representing young gay and bisexual men. 

And can I ask who is watching this show? I understand why people under the age of 18 might tune in to watch other teens obsess over who is talking to who at various parties, and whether Sebastian isn't totally the cutest guy ever ("squee!").

But for anyone who is actually done with high school, what's the appeal? These are the most boring conversations ever, even if they are being had by incredibly wealthy brats. After four episodes, I thought I'd kill myself if I had to hear one more teenage girl discuss her wardrobe.

Of course people want to watch us shop!
It's not like they have lives of their own!

And I'm afraid I have to report that  next week Bravo gives us something worse than squeeing teenage girls — bitchy gay men. Yes, on Tuesday the network debuts Miami Social, or as I call it, The Real Nasty A-Holes of South Beach.

Miami Scum (as I also call it) purports to "follow a successful group of friends who are some of the most connected and interesting young professionals in South Beach." I guess by "successful" and "interesting" Bravo means so obnoxious and self-centered that you'll pray they die horribly while you watch. I mean where are packs of rabid dogs when you really need them?

The worst of the lot is the out Ariel who is the meanest, nastiest and shallowest gay man I've ever seen on television. I'd say it's ironic he shares a name with an animated Disney character, but then he has about as much dimension and depth as one. Okay, that isn't fair — to The Little Mermaid, I mean.

Ariel is so vicious and callous, he makes Jeff Lewis of Flipping Out look like a an adorable kitten you want to cuddle. I've actually met Jeff and had a nice conversation with him. If I ever meet Ariel, I'm going to pour holy water on him and then try to drive a stake through his heart.

Though I hope and pray I never do have to have such a conversation.

Michael, me, Ariel

Miami Suckfest (my other pet name for the show) also features a second gay man, Michael, who on any other show would be the annoying gay I'd want to jab pins into, but as he is only vain and insipid, he only rates in the middle of the pack here when it comes to awfulness.

At one point he refers to Ariel as a "douchebag" after they snipe at each other at a party for what seems like hours. How fun! It always thrills me to no end to see a fellow gay demean another gay while insulting women at the same time.

Thanks so much, Bravo. At least the heterosexuals are nearly as bad.

BTW, what happened to the network that gave us the nice gays on Queer Eye and Tim Gunn, Christian Siriano and Jack Mackenroth on Project Runway? Or James Getzlaff on Boy Meets Boy? Personally, I blame those horrible housewife shows. Clearly, Bravo has decided that they don't mind getting down in the gutter for ratings. 

Note to Lifetime: Steal Top Chef next and I'll be yours forever.

Next page! If you don't want to vote in the Asshat Smackdown, why not head on to page four to see who won the Battle of the Network Gays?