Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (July 25, 2008)

I'M SO LONELY I COULD DIE
By the time you read this, AfterElton.com editor Michael Jensen (my partner of 15 years) will finally — finally! — be home from the Television Critics Association in Los Angeles. But that doesn’t do me much good as I’m writing it now and he still ain’t home yet.

Sixteen days. He’s been gone for sixteen days! We’ve been house-sitting for some friends, and I’m all alone in this great big mansion, so I feel a little like Scarlett O’Hara wandering the desolate landscape of Tara, waiting for Ashley Wilkes to come home after the war.

But Scarlett is right. I’m tough! I’m strong! As God as my witness, I’m survive until Michael gets back tomorrow! Oh, and I’ll never go hungry again.

Speaking of which, I am hungry. Time for lunch!

ENOUGH WITH ALL THE DAMN SUPERHERO MOVIES!
By now, everyone knows that The Dark Knight set box office records last weekend. Can someone please explain this to me?

Christian Bale, the 93rd actor to play Batman in the last 20 years

I have loved comic books all my life, and I’m still a total D&D geek. But honestly, how many zillion superhero movies have we had now? We’ve already worked our way through the whole DC, Marvel, Dark Horse, and Image canons. What’s next, adapting the little cartoons you find on the inside of Bazooka Bubblegum wrappers?

There have been so many superhero movies that we’re now repeating ourselves. We’re now on the third complete Batman franchise in my lifetime! When Ang Lee’s Hulk bombed a couple of years ago, they decided to just pretend it never existed and made a whole new version. Weirder still, no one noticed!

I get it: superheroes are metaphors for the challenges we all face in life. Their costumes are the “masks” we all wear, or these tortured characters illustrate the moral choices we all must make. For us gay viewers, they represent our “secret” identities — exciting and powerful, but misunderstood by the world at large.

Or maybe superhero movies are just the kick-ass alter-egos we all need to get us through a life where the forces of good not only don’t always win, they get called “unpatriotic” by the forces of evil because they don’t always wear a flippin’ flag pin. In the superhero world, Karl Rove wouldn’t just get sent to the prison cell he so rightfully deserves, he’d get his ass kicked to the moon.

But come on. Is there really anything left to be said in the superhero genre?

No. The mine is tapped out, folks. The well is dry, and the earth lay cracked and bare. I don’t care if Heath Ledger is Oscar-worthy in The Dark Knight. It’s time to move on.

But, of course, that won’t be happening any time soon, not since The Dark Knight just set that aforementioned box office record. So thanks a lot, guys.

Next page! Brendan Fraser gets more adorable!