Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (July 25, 2008)

MASTER OF THE ONE-LINERS
In my other life as a young adult novelist, I’ve done a lot of public appearances — something like 350 over the last four-year period. And after almost every event I do, I usually got out for dinner or drinks with the event’s organizer or someone who wants to meet me. It’s the author’s version of the “meet and greet” that rock stars do after a concert — only rather than meet 500 people in 30-second increments, I meet…well, one or two people.

Years ago, I agreed to have drinks with a guy who was a friend of an acquaintance. We got to talking, and I thought he was smart and funny. At one point in the conversation, he announced that he’d written a novel. Since 98% of all the people I have drinks with have written a novel, I wasn’t too surprised. In fact, if all the people were are writing novels were also actually buying them, the publishing industry would be flourishing, rather than drying up like a sea anemone in Nevada.

Anyway, I listened this guy’s story, then I smiled, wished him well, patted him on his head like the Grinch does to Mary Lou Who in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and sent him on his merry way.

So I was a little surprised few years later when this book was published that sounded vaguely familiar. How I Paid for College: A Novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship, and Musical Theater, it was called. The author sounded familiar too — Marc Acito. Oh, yeah, the guy I’d had drinks with!

Marc Acito

Photo credit: Floyd Sklaver

He was still on my email list, so I sent him a cyber-congratulations.

Then I watched as rave reviews of his book appeared in People, the New York Times, EW, and every other major fricking media outlet in the known universe (to date, none of my six books have been reviewed in any of those outlets, although an EW critic once went bananas for one of my books…and then promptly got fired before he could write a review.)

I picked up a copy of How I Paid For College, which is a crazy, campy, gay-ish romp through the 1980s as our hero connives and schemes a way to, well, pay for college. I loved it, but what stood out the most were its hilarious one-liners. I immediately began to think of Marc as Master of the One-Liner.

Earlier this year, Marc published a sequel, Attack of the Theater People, which I just had to get. Then it occurred to me: I write this column every month or so. Would Marc be willing to talk to me about his books and his sense of humor?

And so, the circle is complete: I’m now sucking up to him!

AfterElton.com: In my mind you're the undisputed master of the one-liner.
Marc Acito: Thank you. You have excellent taste. And are undoubtedly well-hung.

AE: What are your five favorites of your own one-liners? This is no time for modesty! In short, I’m too lazy to go through your books hunting for the good stuff myself.
MA: Okay, here are some of the lines I’ve written of which I’m the most proud:

“He’s gayer than figure skaters eating corn dogs.”

“Trying to explain science to Fundamentalists is like explaining Tivo to the Amish.”

“I lost sixty pounds, which, if you think about it, is like losing one of the Olsen twins.”

“I’m sure when my parents took me to the matinee of Annie, they thought, ‘My son’ll come out…tomorrow.’”