Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (August 24, 2007)

SO...CATTY = MORE GAY? THANKS A LOT.
For anyone not currently laying in a coma in a hospital bed until they wake up to a post-apocalyptic nightmare (28 Days Later, Day of the Triffids, Rumpelstilskin), it was rather difficult to avoid Disney's High School Musical 2 which last Friday blotted out the cultural sun like a ginomorous brontosaurus astride the earth. Or something. Anyway, the long-anticipated HSM2 drew in 17.2 million viewers making it the largest cable audience ever.

I never saw the first HSM, but I admit to being intrigued by this movie that somehow managed to convince male high school athletes that singing and dancing were cool (although I'm amazed that The Sound of Music hadn't already done so!). I also heard that Ryan (Lucas Grabeel), younger brother to the villainous Sharpay (I kid you not), might be coded as gay.

Then Charles Ishwerwood of The New York Times wrote this review where he noted that: "Admirably, the stage version is more forthright in its hints that Sharpay’s brother and pet leading man, Ryan (the perky Bobby List), is gay. (For one thing, he gets a few catty jokes.)"

A few catty jokes that hint he's gay is admirable? Gosh, that's a novel characterization for a gay character! Sigh. Call this a glass half-empty moment.

Now curious to see both what all the fuss was about and how "gay" Ryan seemed in HSM2, Brent (aka "The Wind Beneath My Wings") and I watched the teen flick last night. Afterward, Brent successfully revived me with a mega dose of insulin to counteract the movie's super saccharine sweetness and we discussed the issue.

So how gay was Ryan? Well if you judge by stylish hat changes, he was gay, gay, gay. In every scene the kid has a different fabulous hat. He's the Imelda Marcos of the hat set. Yes, there are straight teen boys with loads of hats, but those are called baseball caps, not fedoras and chapeaus.

Here are some examples and how they score on the Coded Gay Scale (CGS). First, we've got this jaunty, preppy hat. I'd say this only rates a 2.0 on the CGS although that purple paisley is a bit suspect.

In HSM2 Ryan is actually a good baseball player, but the jaunty angle of his cap and that sweater are a bit suspect as well! We'll call this a 4.0 on the CGS.

Here we have a snappy turquoise blue fedora that is just perfect when one feels the need to burst into "jazz hands" which straight boys are frequently wont to do. Combined together we definitely have a 6.0, maybe even a 7.0 on the CGS.

This tangerine cap would probably only rate a 6.0 on the CGS, but throw in the Paris Hilton dog, the pink carrying case, the pink jacket and we've got a Paul Lynde screaming 10.0 on the CGS! WOOP! WOOP! WOOP! GAY BOY IN THE HOUSE!

The poor kid had at least ten other hat changes in the ninety minute movie.

Ultimately, the whole thing felt full of coded gay references about Ryan which was doubly disappointing. Directed by Kenny Ortega (the gay-friendly choreographer of Xanadu and To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar), HSM2 is wonderfully racially diverse, so it was hard not to be annoyed that it didn't include an actual gay character.

And if it couldn't include an actual gay character then I sure as hell wish it hadn't included what really is nothing more than a throwback to the 1950's — the fabulously dressed, singing-and-dancing best friend who brings the straight lovers together in the end. Bleah. It's 2007. Enough already. Give me Calvin on ABC Family's Greek any day of the week.