Best. Gay. Week. Ever. (August 15, 2008)

WELL, THEY WERE INVENTED IN GREECE AFTER ALL
Like many (although hardly all) gay men, I just don’t get the appeal of organized sports. Which is ironic, given all the emphasis on balls.

But the Olympic games are an exception, and this year, as I have before, I’ve found myself getting caught up in all the coverage. But then again, it’s not surprising. I mean, lack of out athletes aside, I can’t help but notice all the ways the Olympics are totally gay …

1) Most professional sports start off with a fierce clash of opponents, like a “scrimmage” or a “face-off.” The Olympic Games begin with a big parade. Where everybody talks about how proud they are.

2) You know the Games’ big icon, the Olympic torch? Totally flaming.

3) And just look at that flag … the one with the red, yellow, blue, green, and black bands. Talk about a rainbow flag.

4) Male competitors all live together in a dorm. In the Village.

5) Events feature more male-on-male groping than a British boarding school during a blackout. And more visible man-skin than a French beach in a heat wave.

6) Events are also filled with sexually charged references to the male anatomy. Like “pole vault.” And “jackknife.” And “shuttlecock.” And “hand ball.” And “coxswain.” And my personal fave: “shot putt.”

7) Men have their choice of attire for various sports. In swimming, for example, the new Speedo racing suits come in full-body, half-body, and tank-top versions. It’s the Speedo Separates Collection.

8) First prize for winning an event? A gold necklace. Plus, you get to fulfill your dream of standing on a pedestal in a crowded stadium lip-syncing.

9) The female athletes, without exception, can kick the asses of any of the men.

10) Without the Olympics, we wouldn’t have Greg Louganis, arguably the most famous (and hottest) out male athlete to date. More significantly, without Greg Louganis, we wouldn’t have Mario Lopez in The Greg Louganis Story.

Greg Louganis, Mario Lopez as Louganis in Breaking the Surface
(All pics courtesy of Getty Images excepting Mario Lopez)

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